Getting through your kid’s childhood without several nasty viruses and bugs hitting your household is pretty much impossible and the endless barrage of kiddie sickness is arguably one of the worst parts of parenting. That’s why you can breathe a sigh of relief that the funny parents of Twitter have been there and share in your germy misery. Take a break from the puke-mopping and check out these hilarious tweets.
1. Because timing is everything.
Big meeting at work this week? A long-planned vacation to Disney? Huge conference your spouse can’t miss and you’re out of sick days? NEVER FEAR. Your child will come down with a gross virus at the absolute most inconvenient time humanly possible. It’s Parenting Law.
2. As though a typhoon blew through.
Your kid finally comes out the other side after a terrible stomach bug but of course, you’ve dirtied every towel and washcloth along with four sets of bed sheets. Oh, and that puke stain on the cream-colored living room carpet. WHY DID WE BUY CREAM-COLORED LIVING ROOM CARPET?
3. Speaking of stomach bugs…
Your 14-year-old got up and yakked at 2:00 am getting a little on the bathroom floor? Sure, you feel bad for him — but he’s now the size of a grown adult and knows exactly where the paper towels are. It’s cool. You paid your dues that time in preschool when he barfed into your shoe right before you walked out the door for an important meeting. Your work here is done.
4. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Great intentions, terrible execution. You’re now a Jeeves-like servant to a tiny, coughing tyrant. Enjoy!
5. The ugly truth.
Do we feel awful for our kids when they’re sick? Duh. Are they annoying as shit asking for things every five minutes, whining about nothing and coughing in your ear? YUP. No one says it, everyone thinks it. You’re welcome for spitting truth. At least my spit doesn’t contain droplets of actual plague.
6. Weekends? You don’t get no stinking weekends.
Oh, you had a babysitter lined up so you could see your first movie in a theater since “Knocked Up” plus, dinner at a place that doesn’t have a kid’s menu? Naturally, your child will be covered in snot by Friday night with a fever that rises out of literal nowhere. It’s OK. You can always see that flick once it hits Red Box.
7. Sick. But not sick enough.
They’re a constant faucet of boogers and won’t sleep at night because they can’t breathe from their nose but the worst part of a cold is that they aren’t quite sick enough to stop being a pain in the ass.
8. *Zips into Hazmat suit*
You love them. You want them to get better. But you’d rather not catch it yourself. Sorry if mommy’s rubber gloves feel funny, sweetheart. She doesn’t want your outbreak-level virus to ruin her weekend.
9. And around and around it goes.
One illness ends, another begins. And you’re all sharing everything and can’t escape each other’s repulsive germs. Stock up on Clorox wipes! I mean, it won’t help. But you have to feel like you’re doing something.
10. Oh, the lengths they’ll go.
All I have to do is remember my days of stirring hot cocoa with the thermometer to get out of going to school to realize that my kids will eventually fake it too. It’s a right of passage. And incredibly annoying.
11. Thanks, buddy.
Because it can’t be emphasized enough — kids are fucking disgusting.
This would be amazing. Because when a mom is sick, literally no one cares.
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