Parenting means losing sleep. Period. Whether it’s the horrific baby months or the terrible toddler years, kids of all ages have a way of making bedtime and the night hours a total nightmare.
Whether it’s fighting going to sleep, not staying asleep or waking with bad dreams, wet sheets and requests for a drink of water, our kids make it hard for us to sleep. And the funny parents of Twitter completely get it. Check out these hilarious tweets that illustrate perfectly why sleep is merely a pipe-dream once you have children.
1. Early birds are basically the worst.
Early bird gets the worm unless the bird is so early everything hurts and she tries to sleep on the couch while her toddler watches cartoons
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 19, 2016
Oh, you hadn’t planned on starting your day at 5:03 am crashed out on the couch while your toddler bangs a sippy cup against your skull and the sounds of Paw Patrol blare in the background? TOO BAD.
2. Nope. Definitely gonna worry.
[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven?
Me: I’m up.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 21, 2015
Well, that’s one way to wake up.
3. We have nothing left.
The ultimate parenting irony is the fact that putting your kids to bed is so exhausting it makes you have to go to sleep.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 30, 2016
You had big plans involving wine and your DVR, but guess what? Kids literally don’t give a shit. Better luck tomorrow night. And the night after that. And then again after that. Basically, abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
4. Great question.
People who clean after the kids go to sleep- when do you watch TV and get drunk?
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) October 2, 2016
My laundry pile is often higher than the rock-climbing wall at an indoor play place, but I do usually get my wine/TV time in. No shame in that game, moms.
5. Like that’s even a thing.
I’m calling bullshit on people who claim their kids go to sleep at night.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) January 4, 2014
Your kids actually sleep at some point? Pics and video or it didn’t happen. Like a Yeti sighting.
6. A journey for the ages.
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost trying to put his kids to bed, probably
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) October 7, 2016
Even Robert Frost’s kids were probably little assholes refusing to put on pajamas and brush their teeth. Not giving a single shit about his Pulitzer prize-winning bedtime poems.
7. Someone please get on this.
Where’s the selfie filter that hides the fact that I have kids, don’t sleep, drink excessive amounts of caffeine and have basically given up
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 1, 2016
The technology doesn’t exist yet but we remain ever hopeful. And exhausted as fuck.
8. Stick that landing.
Me crossing the kitchen to pour my wine after I finally get all the kids to sleep. pic.twitter.com/G8BkEKXIP1
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 11, 2016
Silence. No kids. Wine. You’re suddenly filled with enough strength to perform Simone Biles’ gold-medal-winning floor routine. No need for a medal though. Trader Joe’s boxed cabernet will do just fine.
9. Yeah, no.
I just figured it out. If I wake up 3 hours before my kids do and then never sleep ever again, I think I can finally get everything done.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 8, 2016
The sooner you accept that not only are you never sleeping again, but your to-do list is all lies, the sooner you can sit with us and drink wine and stop caring. Come to the dark side. It’s better over here.
10. Too early? Too bad.
Oh you kids want to sleep in?
It’s too early?
MY HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.
[jumps on beds, elbows out]
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) February 26, 2016
When the kids are older and dying to sleep late after years of early-morning torture, it’s your time to shine. Turn on the super loud blender, blast old-school hip-hop and revel in the glory of sweet, sweet revenge. You’ve earned it.
My child is literally holding her eyes open to keep from sleeping in case you were thinking you’d get more sleep after the newborn phase.
— Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) July 7, 2016
You’ve gotta hand it to kids. They really commit to a role.
12. A failure to communicate.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 23, 2016
You say it’s bedtime, they hear it’s “leap from the bed to the toy box to the train table over and over” time. Sigh. Not enough wine in the world.