School’s out across the country and summer has officially begun. For many families, that means it’s time to take a vacation. With kids. Which some might say isn’t really a vacation at all. That’s because kids complain and whine and make life difficult, even when fun is the only thing on the agenda. You booked a trip at a bustling tourist destination? All your kid will want to do is swim in the hotel pool. You were a total moron and booked a hotel without a pool? May the Lord have mercy on your mortal soul. Sure, there will be a little fun, but let’s be honest — a lot of it will require copious amounts of alcohol to make it through.
But in the tradition of the Griswolds, parents keep doing it. Our stubborn insistence that we try to have some fun, even if it means being trapped in a car for 15 hours with kids, is something to admire. We’re going to enjoy ourselves, dammit. Even if we have to endure torture to do it. Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter are right there with us threatening to take away tablets and snacks and considering jumping out of the car to tuck and roll the fuck away from their good, old-fashioned, family vacation.
1. No regrets.
Bribery, changing diapers in inappropriate places, letting them eat candy, giving them their tablets for four hours straight — whatever you need to do, just do it. Anyone who judges can feel free to entertain and corral your kids while you sip a cocktail or four.
2. Who needs Disney when there’s a hotel pool?
We booked a week at a gorgeous, ocean-front resort for our vacation this summer. It has proximity to all kinds of attractions, including the ocean, but what do you think the first question out of our kids’ mouths was? Yes, jackals. It has a god damn pool. With a swim-up bar because I’m nothing if not a survivalist.
3. You’ll miss home sooner than you think.
Oh, your toddler shit himself and totally destroyed a brand-new outfit you’d hoped would be worn more than once? Too bad you don’t have a washing machine in your hotel room and have to scrub it clean in the sink like a friggin’ peasant. Can you feel that relaxation?
4. That’s actually kind of awesome.
They embarrass the crap out of you at home. They’re not going to break from their routine now.
5. Over and over and over.
Don’t forget the clumps of wet grass clippings and mud. And bugs. And hunks of dog poop your husband never picked up from the backyard.
6. Taking the show on the road.
Were you delusional enough to think when you booked your all-inclusive, island resort vacation that your asshole kids would stop being assholes long enough for you to drink all those included drinks? Bless your heart. You’re just paying $9,000 to yell at your son to stop wiping his boogers on his sister’s arm amid prettier scenery than usual.
7. It really should be against the law.
You think someone peeping at a text while driving is dangerous? It is, but far less dangerous than mediating an argument over who got more broken Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies while passing water bottles into the backseat and dodging the Sofia the First sunglasses you thought were so adorable on your toddler but she apparently only saw as a tool to possibly get you all killed on the freeway. Safe as can be.
8. Every. Single. Time.
Is my eye twitching? Because just reading that kind of made me feel like it was.
He might be hanging around you rolling his eyes at your every suggestion for summer fun, but at least with all that money you saved from skipping camps means you can buy plenty of wine and liquor to drown him out!
10. Your cubicle starts to sound like heaven.
You’re so eager to leave work for vacation and then on vacation, your quiet office and bottomless mug of uninterrupted coffee start to sound like a magical oasis. Thanks toddlers, for making work sound like the real vacation.
11. We’re taking notes.
You’ve gotta use whatever tools are available to you. But we also have to wonder — who measures liquor on vacation?
12. I rest my case.
Happy travels, parents!
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