The holiday season is winding down. Soon, all the stress from shopping, decorating and corralling excitable kids waiting for their presents will be over. And after that? Two words that strike fear in the hearts of any parent with school-aged kids: winter break.
You start off positive — they have so many new toys, you think to yourself. How could they possibly get bored? This will be a breeze, right? Except it won’t. By December 27th, your kids will be all, “Hatchimal, who?” and you’ll be scrambling for ways to entertain them until school (blessedly) starts back up. It’s cold out, so going outside will be rough. Every indoor play-place near you will be a mob scene because, hello, everyone’s home from school. After a few days, you’ll resign yourself to providing your kids with a steady diet of Netflix and boxed mac and cheese. Because winter break is about survival. And no one knows the torture (or makes you laugh about it) like the funny parents of Twitter.
I mean, it’s not like they deal with 22 hyper, small children a week before Christmas or anything. They have no clue how difficult this is for us parents.
And spilling things everywhere and crying over absolutely nothing and demanding you watch their cool trick that will inevitably land them in the emergency room. The parallels are eerie.
3. Maybe the actual devil?
By January 3rd, you’ll want to run away from home, but yes. The family. All together for days and days. Sorry, my left eye is starting to twitch. Brb.
4. What honey? Mommy can’t hear you.
Fire up that Dyson. The white noise really improves your quality of life this time of year.
5. Set the tone.
They need to know how very close you are to the edge of sanity so they stay in line for a full 10 days or more. Better bring your A game.
6. Panic time.
*Wipes sweat off brow* What do you mean? I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
7. The twitch is back.
It’s on the 4th toilet clogging of the week that you might be ready to go off the deep end. Just keep repeating, “this is what wine is for.”
8. No big deal.
Just a few weeks of what feels like the longest days of your life trying to entertain little kids indoors because it’s fucking freezing outside. It’s gonna be great.
Literally no one will judge you.
10. Aim high.
You start the week like Mary Poppins and end it like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Just know you aren’t alone in your descent into madness.
11. Sounds about right.
Get ready for a swing through urgent care. All that turning living room furniture into a bouncy house is bound to end badly.
12. Buy a lot of Pop Tarts.
It’s good to teach them independence. Right? Right.
Good luck, parents!