Sadly, spring break no longer means getting wasted poolside and wearing a sexy neon bikini (we miss you, 1990s MTV Spring Break!). Instead of looking forward to spring break, it’s now something we merely endure and try to survive with our sanity intact. Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter are here to commiserate and let you know that you’re not the only one staring at the clock wondering if 1 pm is too early to take a few shots while your kids trash your house like a band of rabid, adolescent raccoons.
1. They’re nothing if not thorough.
If a job’s worth doing it’s worth doing right. Why stop at snapping the handle off the refrigerator? Please clog the toilet with Pokemon cards until a plunger no longer helps and we have to bring in a plumber. Go big or go home.
2. We’re grudgingly happy for you, teachers.
We’re bracing ourselves for a week of occupying only one or a handful of kids while teachers have to do it every single day. Without the benefit of wine. Fine, teachers. You win this round. ENJOY YOUR BREAK!
3. Are NyQuil lollipops a thing yet?
And if you’re not struggling to entertain your kids at home all week, that means you’re probably in travel hell with them instead. The American Academy of Pediatrics really needs to let us know a safe and socially acceptable way to sedate kids for super long car rides because this shit is nonsense.
4. Rules were made to be broken.
Now is not the time for high ideals. Now is the time for a singular goal — survival. Both theirs and yours. Give them the tablets and don’t think twice.
5. Organization is everything.
You could even schedule your crying time. It’s best to have a plan, right?
6. Revenge is yours for the taking.
Hey, you could’ve hearkened back to the toddler years and gone for 4:30 am. 6:00 am is basically mid-day and completely fair.
7. Spring Marathon? Spring Reckoning?
Spring Torture? Spring Sadness? Spring Break: Tokyo Drift? I’m just spit-balling here. Endless possibilities, really.
8. Because, of course.
Ah, the whole family under one roof all week. And because it’s still the tail end of Sick Season, everyone can pass around the same violent stomach bug. Fucking wonderful.
9. You might be inspired artistically.
You could even write haikus about not bringing chips into the living room GOD DAMMIT WE’RE GOING TO GET ANTS, I’VE SAID IT 400 TIMES!
10. Only a few small differences.
It used to be a spilled Sex on the Beach. Now, it’s a spilled Horizon chocolate milk box. PARTY!
11. Playdates. Ew.
The only thing that’s worse than trying to keep your own kids busy is trying to keep someone else’s kids busy. But if you’re on the good end of that deal, go wander Target for a few hours while another mom is stuck with your stir-crazy kids. You earned it.
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