And it freaking sucks.
It’s costly with all the gifts. It’s exhausting pretending to give a shit about one mom’s insane Pinterest odyssey to create the illusion of a real, live, fairy forest! It’s aggravating giving up half a weekend attending soirees for tiny people who can’t even PRONOUNCE soiree. But that’s ok — because the funny parents of Twitter feel your exquisite birthday pain and are here to make you laugh through the misery of little Kale’s sad, gluten-free cupcakes and “educational” pinata full of nothing fun at all.
1. Ugh, stop having friends.
Oh, there’s 22 kids in your son’s kindergarten class? WONDERFUL because now, you have 22 RSVPs to fumble your way through and 22 gifts to buy and 22 parties to suffer through making small talk with people you hardly know so your child can celebrate a kid he hardly knows. And around and around it goes.
2. I’ll have another alcohol, please.
To the parents who neglect to offer alcohol to the other parents trapped at a kid’s birthday party, please understand that I will be bringing a case of wine with me. Because the only thing worse than a little kid birthday party is a DRY little kid birthday party. Get on my level, other parents.
3. Your standards will slide.
Sorry, third kid. Mommy was definitely a little high when she had super over-the-top parties for your older siblings. She’s regained her senses now. Just enjoy these weird, leftover, gray balloons, Yo Gabba Gabba tablecloth from 2010 and crumpled SpongeBob streamers. Mommy loves you!
4. The Pinterest pressure is real.
Even the most chill of moms (slowly raises hand) can occasionally fall prey to the pressure of magical, Pinterest birthday parties. Don’t. When it’s 10:00 pm on a Friday night and Madysyn’s mom is elbow deep in a half-done, prehistoric creature made of watermelon, you can smugly sip wine and binge-watch “Jane the Virgin” knowing your life choices are far superior.
5. But Daddy wants to party too, sweetheart.
When the kiddies are on round three of bumper bowl and the Kidz Bop music won’t stop, you have to block it all out somehow.
6. Pass the Xanax.
Will anyone come? Will EVERYONE come? Will my favors suck? Will the cake collapse? Will my kid throw a fit over getting a repeat gift and embarrass the shit out of me? So many questions. So much uncertainty. Childbirth has nothing on throwing kid birthday parties.
7. Abracadabra! Please?
This is how we know magic is total bullshit.
8. Show no mercy.
We have to entertain ourselves somehow. And they need to learn to gracefully accept defeat. Everyone comes out a little better in the end.
9. Drama to rival any Real Housewife.
Have any of you met second graders? And third and fourth and fifth? Each school year around these ages is basically one long drama fest and birthday party invite gossip is often at the center. Can’t we just have one big party at the end of the school year celebrating everyone’s freaking birthday? Please? Seriously…please?
10. I’ll do anything, honey.
If it means avoiding the barfy bounce house, I will empty the garbage from the kids’ disgusting bathroom until I’m officially a cougar. Just please don’t make me go.
11. Not the Chuck. Anything but that.
This is where the flask comes in handy. Don’t be too proud. And maybe share a few nips with the poor guy stuck in the sweaty rat suit.
12. Because there’s literally nothing else to do.
Again. The flask is your friend.