The Funny Parents Of Twitter On Why Having Kids Means Having No Money

by Valerie Williams

A lot of things disappear when you become a parent. Sanity, free time, energy, the knickknacks on the low shelves. But nothing disappears faster than money. Like, all of your money.

Having kids is expensive, a well-known trope, but it’s hard to truly understand until you’re watching your bank account dwindle as your house fills up with all the garbage they need and the things they’ll break that you’ll be too broke to replace. Plus, all the money spent on food, activities, instruments, clothing, sneakers, vacations, doctor’s visits and myriad other costs you won’t see coming. Fortunately, the funny parents of Twitter have been there and are quietly sobbing as they check their savings (LOL) and write funny tweets about how having kids equals not having money.

1. Every little bit counts.

That’s like, a quarter of a Starbucks latte. Damn straight it will be repaired.

2. You start getting creative.

You don’t realize how many ways you can cut back until your monthly diaper bill rivals the cost of your cellular data package and suddenly, Twicks sound just fine.

3. Shouldn’t take long.

As parents, our money disappears before we can make it. Might as well go to a good cause.

4. No. It’s not.

This should be a standard-issue package for any mom who’s feeling crappy, frankly. It’s the least we deserve.

5. Maybe also go to Europe.

It’s hard to believe how much food picky children can manage to put away in a week’s time. And how many times they can leave the bathroom sink running after washing Barbie’s hair for the 8th time in a day.

6. Free money, ya’ll.

Anyone else’s kids think a credit card is a gift card? Just mine? Awesome. Killin’ it.

7. That takes balls.

Beef Ramen pairs best with pondering the unending financial nightmare of being a parent. Just trust me on this.

8. For real.

Can we please make this an actual thing, universe? Because my kids asked for approximately 478 things before the bus came this morning.

9. A bargain, really.

You could replace “mini-golf” with any number of family fun events that turn out to be a complete fucking waste of money. Welcome to parenthood.

10. Because chicken is expensive.

Working Drake lyrics into a song about the sad dinner you’re about to feed your children is one of many ways to cope with being parent-poor.

11. Advice worth taking.

Hey, new parents; small children will play with a used tampon applicator they find on the ground at the park. Seriously, save your dough. For scary lab tests after they touch the tampon, of course.

12. Thanks, pal.

And sometimes, we only have ourselves to blame for those empty wallets. Fire up the Ramen!