A lot of things disappear when you become a parent. Sanity, free time, energy, the knickknacks on the low shelves. But nothing disappears faster than money. Like, all of your money.
Having kids is expensive, a well-known trope, but it’s hard to truly understand until you’re watching your bank account dwindle as your house fills up with all the garbage they need and the things they’ll break that you’ll be too broke to replace. Plus, all the money spent on food, activities, instruments, clothing, sneakers, vacations, doctor’s visits and myriad other costs you won’t see coming. Fortunately, the funny parents of Twitter have been there and are quietly sobbing as they check their savings (LOL) and write funny tweets about how having kids equals not having money.
1. Every little bit counts.
Financial status: taping together a dollar bill that my toddler ripped to shreds
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) March 29, 2016
That’s like, a quarter of a Starbucks latte. Damn straight it will be repaired.
2. You start getting creative.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 25, 2016
You don’t realize how many ways you can cut back until your monthly diaper bill rivals the cost of your cellular data package and suddenly, Twicks sound just fine.
3. Shouldn’t take long.
I’m going to Target, I’ll be back when the money is all gone.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) September 11, 2016
As parents, our money disappears before we can make it. Might as well go to a good cause.
4. No. It’s not.
I just want enough money to hire a nanny and go check into a fancy hotel room to hide from my family when I’m sick is that too much to ask
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) December 8, 2015
This should be a standard-issue package for any mom who’s feeling crappy, frankly. It’s the least we deserve.
5. Maybe also go to Europe.
My wife and kids are on vacation for a week. I think I’m gonna use the money saved on water and food to buy a Mercedes.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) July 2, 2016
It’s hard to believe how much food picky children can manage to put away in a week’s time. And how many times they can leave the bathroom sink running after washing Barbie’s hair for the 8th time in a day.
6. Free money, ya’ll.
If I tell the kids I can’t buy them something the standard response is “JUST USE THE CARD” so clearly they’re set up for financial success.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 28, 2016
Anyone else’s kids think a credit card is a gift card? Just mine? Awesome. Killin’ it.
7. That takes balls.
The daycare I pay a fortune to had the balls to send home a fundraiser. I’ll get right on that after I decide which flavor of ramen to eat.
— Jeff (@usermcuserface) September 28, 2016
Beef Ramen pairs best with pondering the unending financial nightmare of being a parent. Just trust me on this.
8. For real.
If I had a dollar for every time my kids asked me to buy them something or take them somewhere, I could afford to actually do all that shit.
— Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 10, 2016
Can we please make this an actual thing, universe? Because my kids asked for approximately 478 things before the bus came this morning.
9. A bargain, really.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 12, 2016
You could replace “mini-golf” with any number of family fun events that turn out to be a complete fucking waste of money. Welcome to parenthood.
10. Because chicken is expensive.
Started at the bottom now we’re having hotdogs again tonight, kids.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) September 12, 2016
Working Drake lyrics into a song about the sad dinner you’re about to feed your children is one of many ways to cope with being parent-poor.
11. Advice worth taking.
In case you’re a newer parent, my kids are playing in a cardboard box and pretending that bars of soap are toys, so save yourself some money
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) August 9, 2016
Hey, new parents; small children will play with a used tampon applicator they find on the ground at the park. Seriously, save your dough. For scary lab tests after they touch the tampon, of course.
12. Thanks, pal.
*The night before week four of t-ball*
Me: You ready for your next t-ball game, pal?
4yo: What’s t-ball?
Me: A waste of money, apparently.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 10, 2015
And sometimes, we only have ourselves to blame for those empty wallets. Fire up the Ramen!