And they mostly fucking suck.
Let’s be real — it’s hard enough making mom friends that you like but now, you need to make friends that you like who also birthed kids your kids like. You might meet them at a playgroup or preschool pick-up. Numbers are exchanged. You call them or they call you. It’s often somewhat uncomfortable. Actually, it’s almost exactly like dating only there’s no sex (well…there shouldn’t be any sex, you freaky freaks) and you usually don’t get to go anywhere fun. Unless you count someone else’s living room with a few lukewarm Diet Cokes and screaming kids in the background.
Luckily, the funniest parents on Twitter totally feel you and have tweeted about their playdate disdain for you to laugh at. You’re welcome.
1. There’s an art to it.
Do not tell them until you’re pulling into the driveway of the playdate kid’s house. Otherwise, you risk disappointment if someone gets sick OR you get to listen to your kid ask you 53,000 times in 24 hours if it’s time to go to their friend’s house yet. This is the sagest advice you might ever get as a parent. Take it.
2. If you’re smart, you’ll just escape.
When you’re the one hosting, don’t be surprised if your spouse makes a break for it. Once they’ve been exposed to play date hell, they will avoid at all costs. Just maybe try to take turns.
3. If playdate invites were honest.
The most real description of anything in the history of ever.
4. Or you could just avoid the whole thing altogether.
Make yourself play date kryptonite. Be that mom. It’s the one time you’ll be thankful to be shunned.
5. You’ll need this, trust me.
Once your kids are old enough to make their own social life choices, you will be subjected to awful kids you never would’ve hand-selected yourself the way you could back in the preschool days when they had no say. Brace yourself. Other people’s kids suck.
6. It’s the only criteria, to be honest.
Because after a few glasses of wine, none of the other potential criteria will matter. A solid wine buzz can overcome just about any deal-breaker.
7. God dammit, auto-correct.
Like I said — shit will get awkward.
8. It’s basically the Hunger Games down there.
Toss them some toy storage bins and Clorox wipes. Then, pour more wine.
9. The actual worst.
Having to wear real pants in your own house should be against the law. If you elect me for president, I will make this happen. #Valerie2016.
10. If it avoids an awkward conversation, ok.
We all have our own style. Just go with it if it helps you dodge a discussion on the produce Dirty Dozen or the latest PTA fundraiser.
11. First impressions are everything.
You could strive to be on time. Or, you could keep it real from day one. I think you know what method I would advocate.
12. Points for honesty?
It might be nice to stick to non-kid topics. We get so few chances to be grown-ups, can we please not talk about uteri and bleeding nipples for just a little while? WE WERE PEOPLE BEFORE WE HAD KIDS, LADIES.
13. Because, of course.
Lesson 1 in why you shouldn’t even bother. Give them a hunk of cheese and control of Netflix. They’ll have just as much fun without all the planning and aggravation.
14. In conclusion…
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