And they mostly fucking suck.
Let’s be real — it’s hard enough making mom friends that you like but now, you need to make friends that you like who also birthed kids your kids like. You might meet them at a playgroup or preschool pick-up. Numbers are exchanged. You call them or they call you. It’s often somewhat uncomfortable. Actually, it’s almost exactly like dating only there’s no sex (well…there shouldn’t be any sex, you freaky freaks) and you usually don’t get to go anywhere fun. Unless you count someone else’s living room with a few lukewarm Diet Cokes and screaming kids in the background.
Luckily, the funniest parents on Twitter totally feel you and have tweeted about their playdate disdain for you to laugh at. You’re welcome.
1. There’s an art to it.
I don’t tell my kids our plans until they happen. You try telling a 4yo their playdate got sick. You need body armor for that crap.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 8, 2016
Do not tell them until you’re pulling into the driveway of the playdate kid’s house. Otherwise, you risk disappointment if someone gets sick OR you get to listen to your kid ask you 53,000 times in 24 hours if it’s time to go to their friend’s house yet. This is the sagest advice you might ever get as a parent. Take it.
2. If you’re smart, you’ll just escape.
Husband: So, our son’s having a friend over today?
Me: Yeah, he’s getting here arou…
*husband is already screeching out of driveway
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) April 10, 2015
When you’re the one hosting, don’t be surprised if your spouse makes a break for it. Once they’ve been exposed to play date hell, they will avoid at all costs. Just maybe try to take turns.
3. If playdate invites were honest.
“You wanna have a play date?” translation: “You wanna eat our kids snacks and yell at them in unison?”
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 15, 2016
The most real description of anything in the history of ever.
4. Or you could just avoid the whole thing altogether.
When women bring their kids over for play dates, I like to start by telling them that I have guns and my kids are unvaccinated.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) March 25, 2016
Make yourself play date kryptonite. Be that mom. It’s the one time you’ll be thankful to be shunned.
5. You’ll need this, trust me.
Your Kid’s a Douchebag:The Definitive Guide to Dealing with the Parents of Your Child’s Friends
— bethtato (@bourgeoisalien) October 29, 2014
Once your kids are old enough to make their own social life choices, you will be subjected to awful kids you never would’ve hand-selected yourself the way you could back in the preschool days when they had no say. Brace yourself. Other people’s kids suck.
6. It’s the only criteria, to be honest.
Parenting Level: Approving my kids’ friends based on which parents I think would drink wine with me during playdates.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 7, 2015
Because after a few glasses of wine, none of the other potential criteria will matter. A solid wine buzz can overcome just about any deal-breaker.
7. God dammit, auto-correct.
Autocorrect just changed “want to do a play date?” to “want to do a playmate?” and now I have to quit the PTA.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 31, 2015
Like I said — shit will get awkward.
8. It’s basically the Hunger Games down there.
“Put all the weapons away and clean up any mess or blood you spilled in the basement.”
– How I let the kids know their playdate is over
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 13, 2016
Toss them some toy storage bins and Clorox wipes. Then, pour more wine.
9. The actual worst.
so annoying the kids have a playdate and now i can’t scream and i have to have pants on and act normal. gross.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) March 19, 2015
Having to wear real pants in your own house should be against the law. If you elect me for president, I will make this happen. #Valerie2016.
10. If it avoids an awkward conversation, ok.
Another minivan driver just flashed me a gang sign. Either shit is getting wierd around here or My kids just got invited to a playdate.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 4, 2015
We all have our own style. Just go with it if it helps you dodge a discussion on the produce Dirty Dozen or the latest PTA fundraiser.
11. First impressions are everything.
Hi. This is our first play date together. The kids and I are running 30 minutes late. Welcome to our friendship.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) January 29, 2016
You could strive to be on time. Or, you could keep it real from day one. I think you know what method I would advocate.
12. Points for honesty?
A mom at playgroup said, “oh, don’t you miss being pregnant?” And I had a Vietnam-style flashback and punched a wall. So like, not really.
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) March 13, 2016
It might be nice to stick to non-kid topics. We get so few chances to be grown-ups, can we please not talk about uteri and bleeding nipples for just a little while? WE WERE PEOPLE BEFORE WE HAD KIDS, LADIES.
13. Because, of course.
6yos: *beg for weeks for a play date
Me: *sets it up
Me: Today’s your play date with your friend!
6yos: Ugh, we don’t wanna go
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 20, 2016
Lesson 1 in why you shouldn’t even bother. Give them a hunk of cheese and control of Netflix. They’ll have just as much fun without all the planning and aggravation.
14. In conclusion…
Play date? More like play don’t.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 16, 2014