16 Tweets About Thanksgiving That Will Make You Feel Less Alone
Are you ready to work for hours on end cleaning your house top to bottom, baking, chopping, sweating, wrestling a giant turkey into a roaster pan, and then panicking all day that you cooked it wrong only to have your kids refuse to eat a single thing anyway? Then you’re ready for Thanksgiving.
It’s that special time of year where we see family we love and family we could absolutely do without ever seeing again, all around the same table. There will be arguments. There will be kid tantrums. There will be adult tantrums. That’s why you should pour a glass of pinot, prepare to plaster on a fake smile to greet your obnoxious uncle wearing his MAGA hat, and read these funny tweets about Thanksgiving.
1. This is too real.
I’m feeling attacked by how close to home this hits. And I feel a similar bursting of blood vessels when letting my kids “help” make Thanksgiving pies. Pass the Advil.
2. It’s impressive AF.
It’s like he doesn’t even notice that I’m plotting his murder while making a four-course meal while simultaneously cleaning the entire house. Hope he’s relaxing, though. He deserves it.
3. Routine is important.
Why take your kids’ regular bullshit on the road when you can sweat over a giant bird all day while listening to the usual din of tantrums and nonsense in the background? No place like home for the holidays because that’s also where your Xanax supply lives.
They may look cute, but never trust a toddler this time of year, because ’tis the season for family, food, and fucking flu.
While everyone else relaxes and enjoys, you’re literally doing all you can so your kids don’t stop them from relaxing and enjoying. Just keep telling yourself, “this is what the wine’s for…”
6. Can’t. Wait.
Frankly, it will be impressive if they consume more than a buttered roll and a handful of olives, but yeah, they’re definitely not eating any of the other stuff you’ve spent three days preparing.
7. Helpful tip.
Like we just went over, they won’t really eat anything anyway, so what they toss on the floor is pretty much their portion. Makes planning easy-peasy!
And in just one month, they’ll have ANOTHER week off. Teachers, you’re lucky we love you so much, because this is otherwise bullshit.
9. The choice is yours.
Or you can run deep into the woods and scream into the abyss and then return to spend the day with your extended family. At least that’s my plan.
10. It’s the least you can do.
They didn’t spend a full 48 hours scrubbing parts of their home that have never been scrubbed before so you could just walk on by. Compliment. The. Fucking. Baseboards.
11. Just like mom used to make.
Mother-in-law eye rolls and passive aggression included in every side dish!
12. Go big or go home.
We didn’t cook all this food just to watch everyone else go to town. Out my way. I need more stuffing.
13. Because let’s be real.
Not too proud to admit that I ask my 6-foot tall husband to do this when I cook a big dinner because I can’t reach and I know how real the risk is. Just living my truth.
14. Seriously, why though.
It sounds like a great idea when it’s weeks into the future and then, you want to enter witness protection, move to a new state, and forget the whole thing.
Everyone loves pizza, so why the hell are we doing shit to yams? I’ll pull up my Yelp app.
16. Sounds about right.
Have fun, everyone!
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