I’m pretty sure toddlers were put on this earth to help keep parents humble.
The way they scream and cry at all hours of the day and night. Or how they get mad when you don’t understand their made-up languages.
They act like tiny, drunken dictators, insisting that they get to eat and watch whatever pleases them. Then they refuse things like basic hygiene and touch everything with their sticky hands.
Parents of toddlers are like a support group that no one actually wants to be a part of. But thanks to Twitter, we can at least find humor in the potty training and sleep deprivation.
First, we have the creation of toddlers:
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
— A Dark Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 27, 2016
And their uncanny ability to give us anxiety:
My toddler is walking around the house saying "Oh no!" over and over.
At first it was cute, but now I'm afraid she knows something I don't.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2016
Even when we should be sleeping:
Growing up I used to be afraid of the dark but now I am afraid of hearing my toddler wake up in the middle of the night.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) February 11, 2016
Even more so when they tell us what’s on their minds:
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."
— Jess is Spooky (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
Or when we have to worry about the things they touch in public:
Fear Factor, but taking your toddler in a public rest-stop.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) August 27, 2014
So sometimes we just need a break:
Me: She needs a full service. A new diaper, a bath, lunch and a nap. It's $39, right?
Guy: Ma'am, this is Jiffy Lube.
Me: It's $39, right?
— Difficult Mommy (@difficultmommy) September 7, 2017
And sometimes we stretch the truth:
Listen dentist, of course I'll tell you I've been flossing my toddler's teeth with a straight face. I perfected that lie a long time ago.
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) February 17, 2016
We do what we have to do to stay sane:
vacation (n.): An annual activity in which people spend a week in a hotel room with a toddler to remember that going to work's not so bad
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) June 30, 2015
Because they’re constantly trying our patience:
I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME?!!!!!!!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 6, 2016
And they’ll never eat what we want them to:
Man cannot live on bread alone.
Toddler: Challenge accepted.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) November 30, 2016
Or drink what we want them to:
You can lead a toddler to water but you can't make her think it's juice.
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) February 10, 2016
But they know what they like:
Me: I love you little buddy.
3yo: I love cheese.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) December 6, 2016
No matter how gross it might be:
Toddlers: I don't want to eat my dinner! It's yucky!
Also toddlers: pic.twitter.com/Z28EuRp5TJ
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) April 2, 2017
They never, ever stop talking:
My toddler asks so many questions that even Alexa has taken up drinking.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 15, 2017
Sometimes with a British accent:
But at least they’re predictable:
Fun Fact: If you hear toddlers running around laughing hysterically, within 2 minutes at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 3, 2017
Like I said, they keep us humble:
Toddlers are a daily reminder that you can in fact get your ass kicked by someone much smaller than you.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 22, 2014
They could keep anybody humble:
Chuck Norris cried himself to sleep after spending the day with my three-year-old.
— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) June 29, 2017
Although some of us are better at wrangling them than others:
It takes my wife 2 hours to complete a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It takes me 2 hours to get our toddler's feet into footy pajamas.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 3, 2016
But at the end of the day, they’re our little hellions, and anyone who doesn’t like them can fuck right off:
If a toddler waves to you at the grocery store and you refuse to wave back just live in a cave and leave us all alone you piece of shit
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 19, 2017
They might be next to impossible to reason with, and even tougher to keep clothes on, but they’re only small for a little while.
Before you know it, they’ll be sweaty, hormonal teenagers who I hear are actually much worse.