George Costanza is a garbage human. There, we’ve said it! He’s a selfish, neurotic, narcissistic, sleazy liar who has literally sold out everyone in his life just to get a leg up in the moment. Also, the jury’s still out on whether he is responsible for his fiancé’s murder. Now that that’s out of the way, it should also be noted that he is the absolute only reason anyone tuned into Seinfeld during the sitcom’s heyday in the ’90s.
That’s because George Costanza was responsible for the funniest, most ridiculous quips ever uttered on TV. Not surprising since he is based on real-life funnyman and Seinfeld co-creator Larry David. There’s also no doubt the character of George Costanza would be tickled pink if he knew there were Instagram fan accounts and entire corners of the internet devoted to him. So in honor of the worst person on Must-See TV’s lineup we’ve gone ahead and rounded up the absolute best quotes from George Costanza.
1. George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
2. Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?
3. George: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.
Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on.
4. I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.
5. George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’
Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language. George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’ Jerry: That’s worse.
6. There is no bigger loser than me!
7. You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
9. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
10. This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.
11. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.
12. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli…
13. I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
14. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
15. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
16. Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
17. If it wasn’t for the toilet, there would be no books.
18. Well, the jerk store called, they’re running out of you.
19. I don’t trust men in capes.
20. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
21. I’m never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that’s it for me.
22. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
23. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
24. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn’t shop there.
25. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.
26. If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They’d have huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
27. Look, you don’t understand. There was shrinkage.
28. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me. 29. You know, If you take everything I’ve accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent. 30. Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?31. For I am Costanza…lord of the idiots.32. (Singing on his answering machine): Believe it or not, George isn’t at home, / Please leave a message at the beep. / I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone, / Where could I be? / Believe it or not, I’m not home.
33. Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?34. Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
34. George: Excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread $2 extra.
George: Two dollars? The guy in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: Three dollars!
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
35. Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT’S a fantasy camp.36. It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I’ve made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat – it’s all been wrong.
37. George: What gives you pleasure?Jerry : Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I’m on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
38. George: The sea was angry that day, my friends – like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, “Easy, big fella!” And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry : Mammal.
Kramer : Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him – face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer : What is that, a Titleist?
Kramer : Hole in one, huh?
39. Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!
40. Y’know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody’s house, the families go to war.
41. Articulate—me? I’ve never articulated anything, I’m completely incoherent.
42. All right. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!
43. Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I’m the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.
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