A gigantic rescue spider is terrifying the internet
No matter how south this election goes, it’s safe to say not many Americans are willing to relocate as far south as Australia. Because that’s where all dreams of safety and a world without bugs the size of mammals go to die. Once again, the continent of eternal nightmares secures its place as hell on earth with a viral story of yet another giant spider.
Fetal position: activate. And also, Xanax supply.
About a year ago, Barnyard Betty’s Rescue, located in the Brisbane Valley Qld., saved a ridiculously huge spider from someone who wanted it dead (um, because of course they did) and brought it to live on the farm with other rescued creatures. The photo has resurfaced and is now going viral because the world is a terrible place. This thing is pretty much a panic attack on eight horrifying legs but instead, they call her Charlotte. She’s a Huntsman spider.
Is “Huntsman” Australia speak for “no fucking thank you?” Because oh my god.
Your initial reaction is probably something like, NOPE. Or, “why, though?” Like, why does a spider this large even need to exist in God’s vast kingdom of plants and animals? There are no divine answers to our desperate questions, but Barnyard Betty makes her sound maybe not so bad?
“She was a beautiful, calm spider, not aggressive in any way and like most spiders she just wanted to go about her business eating bugs and living in peace. She didn’t or doesn’t need to be killed! Poor spiders are so misunderstood!”
They make Charlotte appear harmless, but we know better than to buy that load of shit after last month’s viral video of a Huntsman spider carrying a dead mouse.
A spider. Carrying a fucking entire mouse. What about that scenario reads “harmless” to anyone?
According to the research we did after that god-awful video came into our collective consciousness, we discovered that not only do these 8-legged assholes literally hunt their prey, they can also run at the rate of a yard a second. Which is about 99/100th’s of a yard too far and fast for our liking.
They can also grow to be the size of a mother effin’ dinner plate, with Charlotte being an unusually large specimen. Most Huntsman spiders are about five inches across, and while this big girl’s measurements aren’t available, one glance tells us she’s probably double that.
OK, so to make the case for why Charlotte needed a loving home, our research also tells us Huntsmans only eat bugs and drag around dead mice for sport, so while her appearance is going to leave us with mental and emotional scars that may never heal, at least she won’t kill us in our sleep.
She might just crawl over our faces as she hunts bugs late into the night.
Alright, alright, I’m slowly setting down my blow torch. We can let her live. Because as Betty’s Barnyard says, “All creatures great and small are welcome here at Barnyard Betty’s Rescue a safe haven no matter how you look!!”
As long as she never leaves the farm (or the continent of Australia), Charlotte’s cool with us. But maybe keep the gasoline and matches handy just in case.
H/T The Dodo
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