Feeling sexy and being a mom are two opposing forces in my brain, which is pretty weird considering sex is what got me into this situation in the first place.
Recently, I went away for a girls’ weekend with my sister, and something was ignited inside of me. I came home feeling fired up — hot, sexy, confident… only to have that fire put out after 24 hours of mothering.
That’s when it clicked. For me, being a mom is like putting a wet blanket on my sexuality. It’s not something I’ve intentionally done to myself, but it’s something that has absolutely happened, and I need to fix it.
To be clear, I’m not saying that since becoming a mom I have been frigid; things have been… fine. But the confident desire that once exuded from me has dulled, and in truth, there have been times where I didn’t think it would ever come back.
I’ve never been the typical “hot girl,” but before I had kids I felt quite confident. I remember being heavily pregnant with my first son on the Metro in Montreal, and no one was looking at me in the way they once did. I realized that, although I didn’t yet feel like one, to these people I was already a mother.
And that’s what I’ve been for the past four years when I go out in public. I’m a “mom,” and to be honest, I’m often a frazzled, frumpy, stressed out mom at that. I’m not trying to say all of my confidence comes from the attention of others, but damn — feeling desired sure does provide a great ego boost sometimes, and what’s wrong with that?
Let’s face it: there are super valid reasons for having a shitty self-image and, therefore, a lower sexual vibe after becoming a mom. Stitches in the vag, weight gain, acne, night sweats, weird veins, cellulite, skin tags, stretch marks… and let’s not forget or diminish how breastfeeding completely takes away the sexuality of our knockers. The list of changes to our bodies are endless, with the majority of them being what society would consider “flaws.” At times it feels nearly impossible to be sexual when your body has changed so much and your hormones are a mess. You’ve got kids hanging off of you, you are exhausted, and to top it off, society looks at you as a mom, and not a fine ass woman.
Now timing is everything, and this recent trip with my sister ticked all the boxes for me: I’m a year out from having my final child (which feels amazing to know), the hormones are finally dwindling, I’ve been taking better care of myself physically and emotionally, and I am no longer breastfeeding. I was completely ready to do something just for me.
I don’t remember the last time I spent two hours getting ready for a night out. It felt so good to put an immense amount of effort into my appearance, and I felt hot. I’m not sure if I actually looked hot, or if I was projecting my feelings about myself onto others, but it kind of seemed to me like people were paying attention. It honestly feels like ages since I’ve been looked at in a sexual way from anyone other than my husband, and whether it was all in my head or not, it made me feel amazing.
So here’s my “high level motivational speaker” thought that came out of all this: Maybe for the past four years people have actually thought of me as attractive, but because I have felt poorly about myself I couldn’t see it. And if that’s true, then it doesn’t fucking matter how others perceive me, what matters is ONLY how I feel about myself. Gulp.
I feel like I’m at a place in my journey into motherhood that I can truly start to believe this, but from one mom to another, I want you to know that if you aren’t there yet it’s absolutely understandable. Our bodies, minds, and who we are as people change so dramatically when we become moms. It only makes sense that our sexuality also gets thrown totally out of whack. But, when you’re ready, let’s all agree that we can be amazing caregivers and be super sexual fierce confident woman.
Embracing that sexiness doesn’t conflict with being a mother in any way, in fact it only makes us more complete and whole people.