Giving Birth, The First Time and The Last

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First Baby:

Birth plan: Scented candles, Enya playing, no interventions, no drugs. Epidural: No, I don’t want drugs… No, I mean it… Holy hell, THIS is labor?! GIVE ME THE DRUGS! Pushing: I’m not this flexible, stop ramming my knees up to my ears. Have I really been pushing for an hour? Pooping: Oh dear, did I poop? I didn’t poop while I was pushing, did I? I’d be so embarrassed if I pooped in front of all these people. Hospital discharge: Wait, are you really letting me take this baby home?

Second Baby:

Birth plan: Let’s keep our options open. Epidural: Yes, please! Pushing: I’ve got this. Pooping: Hey, I didn’t poop! I think? Hospital discharge: Ready! Can we go now?

Third Baby:

Birth plan: Try not to have a baby in the car. Epidural: What do you mean it’s TOO LATE? Pushing: No pushing necessary; my body is this kid’s first Slip ‘N Slide. Pooping: Yes. I pooped. You know women do it, too, right? Hospital discharge: NO! No! Please, let me stay!!

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