You've Never Had A Worse Date Than This Poor Woman

Woman tries to ditch a big poo out the window on a first date, story gets even worse from there

There is a story from a GoFundMe page that you have to see to believe, because it’s every dating person’s worst nightmare. Don’t even know how to delicately lead into this — so I’ll start from the beginning.

Man and woman go on date. Man and woman have a great time on date. Man and woman go back to man’s apartment. Woman has to take the dreaded “post-first-date-dinner-shit” at man’s apartment. Man’s toilet clogs.

We’ll pause here. What would you do in this instance? If your answer is, fish the giant shit out of the toilet, wrap it in toilet paper, and hurl it out the window — you are in great company. This man’s date did this — and boy did she live to regret it. There is now a GoFundMe account to replace the window they ended up needing to break — but the story only ends there. The path to that end will make you die laughing.

“I went for a poo in your toilet,” the woman told her date. “It would not flush. I don’t know why I did this, but I panicked,” she continued. “I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window.”

SHE THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW. The man explains what happened next, in great detail.

“I was understandably concerned, and told her we would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened,” coolest date in the history of ever explains on his GoFundMe page. “Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, separated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.”

He then shows a photo to illustrate.

Oh my god, there it is. This poor woman.

“As can be seen in the picture, the inside window opens at the top, into the gap that is separated from the garden by a non-opening double-glazed window pane,” man explains. He decides the only way to get rid of this wrapped poo is to break the window. But his date had another idea.

“Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested “inside out bag as glove” technique,” he explains. “Unfortunately she couldn’t reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window. She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came.”

She got it out! These two are quite a team. If this doesn’t have “wedding speech story” written all over it, I don’t know what does.

“She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled,” he continues. “But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.”

I know. I didn’t believe it either. But there’s photo evidence.

Who doesn’t dream of plunging head first into a tiny window gap on a mission to fish out an errant giant poop on their first date — and then getting stuck in this CLAUSTROPHOBIC NIGHTMARE? This woman is kinda my hero — not gonna lie. She’s a SURVIVOR, dammit.

But what is a man to do when his new date is all of a sudden jammed into his window gap? “Unfortunately for my date, at this stage I could see only one way out of our predicament,” he explains. “She had been upside down in the window for around 15 minutes at this point, and I was starting to grow concerned for her health. I called the fire brigade.”

HE CALLED THE FIRE BRIGADE. NBD.

Unfortunately, they had to actually break the window to extricate his date — hence the GoFundMe. He’s keeping them both anonymous, because everyone knows you don’t extricate your date from a poo plunge by calling the fire department and tell.

If he manages to raise more money than he needs to fix his window, he is pledging it to charities. “First, toilet twinning, a charity building and maintaining flushing toilets in the developing world. 60% of people worldwide don’t have access to a flushing toilet, which, when you think about it, really is pretty shit,” he says.

“Second, to the firefighters charity. The guys who came to the house were brilliant, took everything in good humour, and professional.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m rooting for their love story.