This Graph Will Tell You If You're A Coffee Wimp (Or Not)

by Lindsay Wolf
Originally Published: 
Delish/Instagram and Courtesy of Lindsay Wolf

Coffee is my life force. If you try to take it away from me, I will hurt you. My kids know not to talk to me until after my first cup (or thirty) is consumed. And no matter what anyone says, I truly believe there is some fucking magical fairy dust sprinkled in this shit. Because it gives me wings on days when I can’t pick my face up off the pillow.

One time in my mid-twenties, my ridiculous friends tried to have a coffee-vention with me. They were all like, “You drink way too much coffee, and it’s time to cut back.” And I was all like, “If you try to monitor the intake of my tasty mug of goodness, it won’t be the caffeine I cut back on.”

Okay, maybe I was a little more mellow than that — because I hadn’t had much coffee yet. Needless to say, my friends shut the fuck up about it.

Courtesy of Lindsay Wolf

I like my morning/afternoon/evening cup my way, and don’t you dare try to change it. I want it dark, strong AF, with a splash of soy creamer and three packets of raw cane sugar. Because that’s how this caffeinated bitch ROLLS.

Which is why I straight up LOL-ed when I saw this Delish coffee graph that went hilariously viral.

On it, we see thirty-six very different cups of coffee. A1 has the most (ahem, ALL OF THE) creamer, and then each one after that has more and more coffee added to it. The graph reaches peak coffee status by F6.

All Delish wanted to know was how you like your personal cup o’ joe (I’m a D5, in case anyone wants to buy me some Starbucks). Tons of people chimed in with their picks. As I scrolled down the post, I began to see something wild. The poor, unfortunate souls who proclaimed A1 as their go-to choice got totally demolished by strangers on the internet. And for good reason — they were picking a cup filled to the brim with just creamer. I mean, COME ON. We all know the truth. Either you drink strong coffee, or you’re a little bitch.

Needless to say, the backlash against A1 fans definitely caused me to pee laugh.

Some people were hell bent on educating the general public.

While others could not stay quiet about foolish comments.

And finally, someone said what many of us had been thinking.

I don’t know about you, but all of this commentary is just making me want to have a cup of coffee.

While I certainly love this beverage with a feverish passion and consider myself unbearably particular about how I drink it, I do realize that we tired moms gotta stick together. So, before I change my mind, let me say this.

You do you, boo. Add all the creamer. Chug all the coffee. Do whatever you need to do in order to survive this mom life. We all know that if you’ve got kids, you’re most likely drinking a lukewarm, stale cup leftover from the morning anyway. So if dumping in half a gallon of International Delight floats your bloat, just do it.

But maybe don’t tell anyone about it.

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