Gucci Is Selling Pre-Dirtied Sneakers For Almost $900

Gucci’s new Screener Leather Sneaker is almost $900 and comes pre-dirtied

A few weeks ago, I (very stupidly) bought my elementary-age daughter a pair of pale pink sneakers. I KNOW. Total amateur mom move as they became predictably filthy and gray and barely wearable in a matter of two days, but they were on sale and adorable, so I caved. However, I’m feeling newly brilliant — and possibly, like, a burgeoning entrepreneur/fashion designer? Because Gucci is now hawking a pair of $870 sneakers that come to you already nice and filthy.

Y’all. Us parents are sitting on a gold mine.

The designer describes the Screener Leather Sneaker as “A pastiche of different influences that span across decades, the Cruise 2019 collection references old school shapes and materials inspired by vintage sportswear. Influenced by classic trainers from the ’70s, the multicolor Screener sneakers—named for the defensive sports move—reference the colors of the House Web stripe, treated for an allover distressed effect.”

Distressed. A pastiche. Yes. That’s how I’ll describe my son’s shoes that he’s worn for exactly three hours and somehow completely destroyed from now on. Who knew the child was a luxury design genius in the body of a usually gross and dirty little boy?

They come in other colors too, in case your taste for pre-worn shoes isn’t limited solely to one palette. You can have blue and orange sneakers that look like they’ve been living in your kid’s locker and jumping through piles of dusty playground mulch for the eminently reasonable price of nearly an entire grand. I mean, they’re doing the “vintage, distressed effect” for you. Take my money, TBH. The mortgage can miss a month.

It’s called fashion, look it up.

Oh, oh, oh — I almost forgot the best part. “Clean when the shoe is dry, using only neutral or same-color products to avoid staining,” the website reads.

Sadly, these shoes only come in men’s sizes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t like, innovate and start a kid’s line. Just put your children in a different pair of pristine shoes every day and by the time they’ve been on the bus and spent the day at school, they’ll come home as though they just walked 400 miles through the woods.

BOOM. Profit.

This isn’t the first time a luxury design brand has sold something that looks like it came from a very low-end consignment shop as though it were fancy. Remember those jeans with plastic knees that Nordstrom tried to convince us were A Lewk? Or that time Balenciaga got the wild hair up their collective butts to create a pair of stiletto Crocs? Why in the entire hell?

Because they can, that’s why. And so can us parents. Go out and buy a bunch of cheap sneakers and have your filthy kids put them through their paces. Then, watch the coin roll in.