Gwyneth Paltrow, Never Change. Ever.

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 

Gwyneth Paltrow is really down-to-earth in her new interview with Women’s Health, and me no-likey. Paltrow’s name is synonymous with sanctimonious, über-rich, and out-of touch — as it should be. I don’t know what she’s doing with this new attitude of hers, but it needs to stop, immediately.

It may be because of her impending Blogher engagement (the actress is set to be a keynote speaker at the world’s largest blogging conference for women), or the backlash from the recent Food Stamp Challenge she failed, but from the sound of this interview, she’s trying to change her image — fast. Don’t be a commoner Gwyneth. Take it from me, it’s no fun. If I had your cash I too would be getting endless colonics, selling $5,000 juicers on my lifestyle site, and bragging about my celebrity BFF’s constantly. I definitely wouldn’t be trying to make myself more appealing to the everywoman.

Some of the quotes in her interview are painting the picture of a very sensible, approachable woman. No Gwyneth. No one needs another down-to-earth actress/chef/lifestyle guru. We need you – in all your pretentious glory. She says, “My food philosophy is ‘Nothing should be ruled out.” Wrong! Everything should be ruled, out, Gwyneth. Everything. You only eat air, free-range geese, and kale, mkay? That’s the way we like it. You can’t eat whatever you want. You can never eat whatever you want. Am I just supposed to throw your cookbook out the window now? Who are you?

Paltrow wrote a 303 page cookbook in 2013, based on her favorite health guru’s elimination diet — which bans coffee, alcohol, dairy, sugar, shellfish, deepwater fish, potatoes, bell peppers, eggplant, corn, wheat, red meat, gluten, soy, or anything processed at all. Here’s a little quote from the best cookbook written with no ingredients you actually want to eat, It’s All Good: “I am a firm believer in raising animals right and eating only organic, heritage, grass-fed, free-range ones — or even better, game birds from the wild, the way is was meant to be.”

YAS. This is the Gwyneth we love to hate. Game birds from the wild, the way it was meant to be. Never stop being you, Gwyneth. Never. Stop.

New Gwyneth is saying things like, “I don’t believe in saying, ‘You’re not allowed that.’ If my kids want a Shirley Temple with the radioactive cherry in it, go for it, you know?” No, no, no! Your kids get a “Coke of the week,” remember? Is the Shirley Temple in addition to the Coke of the week, or instead of? Please tell me you jest about the radioactive cherry, and it’s actually one you’ve grown on your own tree that your daughter Apple tends to, daily. Please.

When it comes to her beauty regimen, Paltrow told the magazine, “I believe, as cheesy as it sounds, in exercise, laughing, having sex, being yourself.” She added, “I’m not like, ‘Then I use this masque that I make on my stove.'” I know! That would be ridiculous! The homemade masque she recommends on her site GOOP doesn’t need to be heated – duh: Mix ingredients together in a bowl. Sample if you’d like (it’s delish). Now that’s a Gwyneth quote.

Laughing, having sex, eating whatever you want and feeding your kids radioactive poison cherries? I don’t accept it. I won’t accept it, Gwyneth. DO better. BE better. SEE better. MAKE better. GET better (It’s an inside GOOP joke, people).

Never change, Gwyneth. Ever.

Related post: Gwyneth Paltrow Lives On A Food Stamp Budget For The Week And Annoys The Entire Internet

This article was originally published on