For those who grew up on the Harry Potter series, the beloved world of magic and spells J.K. Rowling created has defined a big part of our childhood. So much so that you may now be passing that love to your children. And you’re not alone in that. According to the latest search data available, Harry Potter jokes are searched for nearly 15,000 times per month!
The Harry Potter series is one of those sagas that manages to be filled with romance, life-threatening adventures, and comedy all at once. When they weren’t running for their lives, Harry and his friends Ron and Hermoine were being fun-loving kids who kept us smiling from time to time.
So if you’re looking to keep the laughs going and pass on the love, then this curated list of Harry Potter jokes, puns, one-liners, riddles, and even cheesy pick-up lines is your one-stop-shop to make your kid’s day and come off kinda cool in the process. So wipe that Sirius look on your face and Slytherin to the funny. Riddikulus!
Best Harry Potter Jokes and Puns
1. How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
2. How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
Just one. She puts her wand in and the cauldron revolves around her.
3. Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter over Facebook?
Because he has only followers, not friends.
4. If a wizard gets robbed by a Muggle, has he been Muggled?
5. What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
6. Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor?
Because he can’t control his pupils.
7. I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I’m about to get lucky.
8. Do you like Harry Potter?
Because I a-Dumbledore you!
9. Are you a Dementor?
You just took my breath away.
10. Why did Severus Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you’d never know which side he was on.
11. What do you call a postal carrier who can speak to packages?
A parcel tongue.
12. Harry Potter puns can Slytherin to any conversation.
13. Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
14. Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?
Because he was cursing in class.
15. What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
“Why so Sirius?”
16. How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
17. What do you call the entrance to a magical gym?
A dumbbell door.
18. I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted.
The fifth one was dead Sirius.
19. How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favorite sport?
A quid each.
20. Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn’t want to elect Ron.
21. On a scale of one to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?
Nine and three quarters.
22. Knock, knock.
Exactly, AVADA KEDAVRA!
23. Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
24. I love Harry Potter, but after re-reading the chapter “The Deathday Party,” I realized something about Nearly Headless Nick.
He was a very poorly executed character.
25. How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He holds it and the world revolves around him.
26. How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb. One to rotate the room.
27. How many Muggles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. It is the only thing they are good for.
28. How many Purebloods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What’s a lightbulb?
29. A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool, and sits down.
He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “Hey, how would you like to hear a Hufflepuff joke?”
The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you. You are speaking to a Hufflepuff. The man behind you is an Auror from Hufflepuff, the woman to your right is a Hufflepuff dueling champion, and we all have our wands drawn. Do you really want to continue?”
The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “No I don’t. Not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”
30. How does Harry Potter enter a room?
Through the Gryffin-door.
31. Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding?
Because he didn’t expect-no-patrol-man.
32. How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking. J/K, rolling.
33.” Harry, your godfather is dead.”
“Are you serious?!?”
“Yep. Dead Sirius.”
34. “Harry, your godfather is dead.”
“Are you serious?!?”
“No, I’m Snape.”
35.Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
36. Yo mamma has such a sweet tooth, her Patronus is a cake.
37. Why doesn’t snape teach herbology?
Because his lily died.
38. How does Harry’s monthly grocery basket take next to no time when ordering online?
39. Hows does Voldemort enter a room?
He slithers in.
40. Why is herbology Slytherin students’ favorite class?
Because it’s in the greenhouse.
41. Who/what is this?
Those I defend I do not love,
And those I fight I cannot hate.
The one who hates me most
Is the one I will die to protect.
42. Who/what is this?
I was the pride of those who owned me
and a murder sealed my fate,
for years my true identity went unknown,
and my end was brought by the one
who stopped me from finishing off my foe.
Answer: Slytherin Locket
43. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potions pot and his best friend?
They’re both cauldron.
44. Did you survive Avada Kedavra?
Because you’re drop-dead gorgeous.
45. What does Harry Potter have that The Dark Lord doesn’t?
46. What did Hermione do when Harry and Ron took the flying car to school?
More Harry Potter Jokes, Puns, and Riddles
47. Where might you find Dumbledore’s Army?
Up his sleeve-y!
48. The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers here.”
Hermione walks into a pub with a Time-Turner.
49. How do you know if someone is a pureblood?
Oh, don’t worry. They’ll tell you.
50. Why did Harry Potter cross the road?
No reason. But we’re sure someone will still write fan-fiction about it.
51. Is your name Oliver Wood?
Because you’re definitely a keeper.
52. Harry Potter fans be like: “I wanna go to Hogwarts!”
Narnia fans be like: “I wanna go to Narnia!”
Hunger Games fans be like: “I’m good…”
53. What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?
Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
54. Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub.
The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.”
The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
55. What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestral’s mouth?
56. Which side of a centaur has more hair?
57. Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?
Because she gives him hugs and kisses.
58. What is Aragog’s favorite day of the week?
59. What is bigfoot’s favorite book?
60. What do you call a Potterhead on a horse?
61. What would you call a reality show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley children?
Orange Is the New Black.
62. How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale?
Weasley twins are 50 percent off.
63. What did Harry say to Hermione when she lent him a galleon?
“Thanks for the gold kind, Granger.”
64. If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?
Hermitwo and Hermithree.
65. Why doesn’t Hermione keep her money at Gringotts?
Offshore investment gains a better return.
66. Why does Ron love his pet rat so much?
It’s the pet-he-grew up with! (Get it? Pettigrew!)
67. Why did Ron lose the election?
People thought his elect-Ron campaign was too negative.
68. Why couldn’t Harry find Hermione?
He was looking in all the Ron places.
69. Ron lives a long, happy life and then dies. What does he reincarnate as?
70. Roses are red, violets are blue…
If you don’t like Harry Potter puns, something is Siriusly Ron with you.
71. What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?
One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.
72. In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws them out. What does he say?
“You’re a blizzard, Harry!”
73. What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?
74. Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?
Because he spoke python.
75. What kind of drink would Harry Potter order at a bar?
76. What happens when Harry Potter says accidental?
Someone loses a tooth.
77. How does Harry Potter listen to music?
He puts on Sirius XM.
78. A wizard walks into a pub and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He looks to the witch next to him and asks, “So, do I come here often?”
79. What do you call a Hufflepuff with one brain cell?
80. How do wizards read PDFs?
With a Dobby.
81. What did the house-elf say when he came from college?
“Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.”
82. What do you call a house-elf in a hotel?
A Dobby in a lobby.
83. Hermione got attacked by a troll in the bathroom.
Ginny got abducted in the bathroom.
Moaning Myrtle got killed in the bathroom.
Moral of the story? Don’t go to the bathroom alone!
84. Top 10 Worst Harry Potter Characters
10. There aren’t
9. Any characters
8. In the Harry Potter series
7. That deserve to be labeled
6. As the worst
5. Because all the characters
4. Have their own
2. Which make them unique and interesting
1. Dolores Umbridge
85. Hermione: “You’re a great wizard, you really are!”
Harry: “Not as good as you.”
Hermione: “I said ‘wizard,’ not ‘witch.'”
86. I named my lizard Harry just so I can say, “You’re a lizard, Harry!”
87. What did Ron say when he kissed Hermione?
You may be a muggle, but that kiss was magical!