In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they’re easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up. Unfortunately, they’re often lumped in the same category as bad jokes. Who doesn’t love some good bad jokes — we do! But one-liners don’t have to bring the cringe, some of them are smart, insightful, and stick with you for ages. Moms and dads alike are sure to love these one-liners, smart jokes, and punny jokes. Although knock-knock jokes are classics, sometimes it’s best to skip the setup and get right to the gag. It catches listeners off guard and is a great way to get a quick laugh.
Some of the best jokes aren’t long or complicated at all. Sometimes the funniest jokes are as simple as a phrase. Sure, knock-knock jokes are classic, but if your little one or friends are impatient types, one-liners may be more their speed. This list is bound to make you laugh… or at the very least smile! Read on and add these one-liner jokes to your collection so you can rattle them off at your next funny family get-together.
Looking for more funnies to add to your joke list? We have dad jokes, cow jokes, and much more!
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
- Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.
- I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
- You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.
- Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
- I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.
- Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
- Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?
- There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
- Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
- I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Giphy - I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
- Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
- I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
- My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
- What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
- The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
- At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
- I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
- My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- Smoking will kill you… bacon will kill you… and yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
- I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
- Did Noah include termites on the ark?
- The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
- My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
- I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
- The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
- I refused to believe the road worker was stealing from his job, but when I went to his home, all the signs were there.
- I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
- PMS jokes are not funny — period!
- Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.
- I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.
- Women should not have children after 35, but 35 kids are enough!
- There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
- Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.
- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.
- My math teacher called me average. She’s so mean!
- “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” — Demetri Martin
- I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
- Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouth.
- “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” — Jack Handey
- I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.
- “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” — Demetri Martin
- When dogs go to sleep, they read bite-time stories before bed.
- “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx
- “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” — Stewart Francis
- Dogs hate driving because they can never find a barking space.
- “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
- “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — George Carlin
- “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.
- It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
- I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
- The person who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
- The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
- For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his shows. I guess you could say he was going through a stage.
- I hope there’s no pop quiz on the class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
- I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
- Give me the calculator. Friends don’t let friends derive drunk.
- A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.
- I doubt, therefore, I might be.
- I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
- I had an “hourglass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
- When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.
Giphy - Animal testing is a terrible idea because they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
- “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen
- “Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
- “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” — Will Marsh
- “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
- “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.” — Ross Smith
- “Two fish in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?'” — Peter Kay
- “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis
- “People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett
- “Do Transformers get car or life insurance?” — Russell Howard
- “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” — Les Dawson
- I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask, “Are you an item?”
- I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.
- “Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
- “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward
- “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin
- My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
- I, for one, like Roman numerals.
- When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
- Every married person should forget their mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same thing.
- My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
- I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
- People tell me I’m condescending. (Leans in real close) That means I talk down to people.
- “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal
- “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers
- “Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.” — Ed Byrne
- “I failed math so many times in school I lost count.” — Stewart Francis
- “Oh, when I was a kid in show business, I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- I ate a clock yesterday, and it was very time-consuming.
- A perfectionist walked into a bar — apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
- A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
- Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist; they’ll never expect it back.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
- “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” — Demetri Martin
- “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg
- “My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” — Unknown
- What vitamin helps you to see? Vitamin C.
- Why did the burglar rob a bakery? He needed the dough.
- Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.
- I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
- I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger…
Then it hit me. - Whiteboards are remarkable.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
- I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.
- Life is like a diploma. As in my parents keep telling me to get one.
- Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
- What goes, “Oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backward.
- What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
- Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
- Have you played the updated kids’ game? I spy with my little eye…phone.
- Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
- I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a motherboard?” and he said, “I tell her about my job.”
- Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
- “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” — Alun Cochrane
- “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” — Stewart Francis
- I don’t suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
- Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
- What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
