This Heartbeat Wedding Ring May Be Sophisticated But It's Super Creepy

Bizarre new ring allows spouses to monitor each other’s heartbeat

Remember when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton showed up at the Oscars wearing vials of each other’s blood around their necks? If you were one of the three people who weren’t immediately like, “Um, WTF?” I have some great news for you!

According to Bored Panda, some batshit company has created an item called the “HB Ring” which allows you to wear your one-and-only’s heartbeat on your finger at all times. Don’t worry, it’s not as gross as it sounds, but it’s definitely as creepy.

TheTouch has answered the prayers of absolutely no one except maybe, I dunno, Q from James Bond, if the nerdy gadget-maker were evil and super-twisted and had major attachment issues?

Billed as the most sophisticated ring in the world and for some reason connected to BlueTooth, the rings are apparently meant to allow you to feel closer to your husband or wife or mistress or dominatrix by allowing you to feel their pulse on your finger whenever you tap the ring. But you have to be connected via Wi-Fi or the aforementioned BlueTooth to do it.

I know what it’s like to miss your spouse. I have two kids. When my wife isn’t around to help me take care of them, I’m beside myself. Of course, it’s not so much that I can’t live without her as it is that my kids can’t live without her, both because they worship their mom and because if they keep driving Daddy crazy I might strangle them.

But no matter how much I miss my wife, I’ve never thought, “You know what would make this time apart easier? If I could feel her heartbeat and know that’s she’s alive and hasn’t somehow managed to escape the human coil and run off to the underground to be with her true love Hades.” Usually I just text her.

I have so many questions though. It’s the real-time heartbeat? If your partner is at the gym, can you tell? If your partner says s/he’s at the gym but their heartbeat is racing for another reason (WINK WINK) can you tell? But mostly I want to know why. Why? Why does this exist?

Anyway, TheTouch HB ring is available for pre-order now, in Rose Gold or Stainless Steel, and once charged it lasts up to 160 hours on standby and 14 hours of active time. So if you are paranoid that your partner might have suddenly dropped dead, you have 14 hours of reassurance right there in the palm of your hand.