How To Have Sex When You Live With C*ckblockers, Errr, I Mean Kids 24/7
Admission time: I had no idea what the term “cockblocker” meant until I had my first baby. This is probably because never before in my sexual encounters was I trying to get it on while the blood-curdling wails of a newborn dragged on and on just a mere 5 feet away from the headboard.
But then marriage and a baby happened, and suddenly, I knew — like, deeply knew. You see, for all the courage that first post-baby sex took to even have, and the shred of intimacy and orgasm that both my husband and I so desperately needed to experience lest we forget we actually like each other, it all came to a halt when I screamed (not out of passion), “Can someone please make that baby stop interrupting?!” — to which my husband followed up with, “What a cockblocker this baby is turning out to be!”
Translation: From now on, our highway to loving heaven would forever be paved with speed bump after speed bump after speed bump — otherwise known as “cockblockers.”
Marriage, kids, life — oh my, you are hilarious! It is so hilarious, in fact, that who knew a scene like this one, “Can we just have five minutes, no three minutes, oh fuck it, can we just have 45 seconds to have sex without being interrupted by one of the damn kids?” would end up being played out over and over and over again in my home for the next 18 years?
Let’s just say I now have a very clear and in-depth understanding of the term “cockblocker,” and I would bet the unopened tube of personal lubricant you currently have stashed in your bedside table drawer that you do too. Good times, amirite?
They are everywhere, those little cockblockers, and their timing is impeccably rotten. Just settled the wee ones into their beds after a successful and foreplay-filled date night, and are now ready to make the magic happen? Sorry, but someone has to pee, wants a drink of water, and needs you to check for monsters in the closet.
Are your little tikes now firmly sound asleep? Marvin Gay crooning? You shaved, and your naughty meter is ready to jump off the charts? Sorry, but someone just puked undigested spaghetti from off the top bunk.
Do you finally have a few minutes alone and are actually horny enough to mattress dance in the afternoon daylight while the kids are outside happily riding their bikes? Go for it. But seconds away from both of you climaxing, here marches in a little cockblocker, banging on your bedroom door because he fell off his bike and there’s blood.
Oh well. Sex will have to happen later, or 25 years from now, because we will never be able to ever have sex again in our own home, due to the fact we gave birth to our own personal and permanent set of cockblockers.
There comes a point in a marriage full of children when you have to grab your sex life by the balls — figuratively, of course (okay, literally too) — and just practice and learn to ignore the fuck out of those cockblockers, and get your damn funk on already. Does it mean you’re a bad parent? Hell no. It means you love your spouse enough to know that a healthy sex life is a vital aspect of marriage, and if that means taking control of it at the expense of what, having to ignore a kid for a few minutes, then so be it! Do it anyway!
And guess what? They’ll be okay. As for your marriage, well, making your intimate life a priority is more than okay. It’s damn near a necessity, because if you continue to wait until the most perfect and ideal time available before you’re able to shake the sheets, you’ll both be in rocking chairs at a nursing home, popping Viagra and being interrupted by an assisted living nurse attempting to take your blood pressure (which will inevitably be sky-high because of the sexless marriage you had when you let your kids run your life).
Listen married folk, you and your sex life were here way before those little people you made were, so it’s important to remember how much fun you two had in your sexual escapades before birthing the cockblockers. You need to put some rules and restrictions in place in your household now while your kids are still young, so your sex life has a chance of remaining sort of vibrant and somewhat active for years to come. And just what do those rules look like?
1. When the master bedroom door is shut and locked, do not incessantly knock and scream unless someone is bleeding from a major artery, has lost a permanent tooth, or Grandma and Grandpa are at the front door.
2. Let the kids know that Mom and Dad need time to “talk” a lot in private. It’s very important “talking,” and often takes more than a few minutes to get to the really important part of the talks, when the big decisions happen. Mom is much slower getting to that part of the talk than Dad, so please, be generous with the time you give us both, for Dad’s sake. And when we’re talking, it means you’re very far away somewhere in the house being quiet very far away. Hiding in closets is fun.
3. When it’s bedtime for all of us and we say “stay in your room,” we mean stay in your room. Do not come out unless #1 happens or someone is breaking into the house. And if you do come out to get yourself water or to go to the bathroom, do not attempt to wake up Mom and Dad because we are “sleeping” very soundly. And if we don’t “sleep,” then tomorrow (and for the next 10 years or so) we won’t be nice to each other. Or you.
4. And when they’re teenagers and finally old enough to understand what you’re really doing behind locked doors? Just give them some cash, and tell them to go for a long drive out for ice cream — preferably in the next county over.
We all know that when kids fill a home, the days of you dangling from a swinging chandelier from your garter belt are long over. But that doesn’t mean married couples have to stop being sexual beings just because there are a few cockblockers running around fighting over fruit snacks and loudly singing Disney Jr. songs right outside the bedroom door.
It just means you have to be a bit more creative in your endeavors to do the horizontal hula and be willing and mentally disciplined enough to block out the noise, distractions, and sexual soul-sucking those kids will spend almost two decades trying to take out of you.
Fight it, moms and dads. Fight it hard.
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