How Not to Be a D-Bag, Even Though Everyone Else Is

by Larry Brantley
Originally Published: 

And so arrived the Age of The Douchebag.

But hope was not lost. The wisdom of the elders (the ones over the age of 40, and please just dispense with the “40 is the new 30” shit) has been preserved, passed to them from Those That Came Before: those with social networks that were actually sociable; those who raised their children to be courteous and considerate; those who listened to music on vinyl.

Behold the wisdom of the Ancients, and heed the Commandments of Not Being a Douchebag:

1. Thou Shalt Not Be a Goddamn Know-It-All. If thine opinion is asked for, thou art free to give it—but not in a way that lets all who hear know that you believe your opinion is the only one that matters. At all. Obnoxiousness does not maketh thee right; it maketh thee a douchebag.

2. When Thou Cometh Upon a “Yield” Sign, Thou Shalt Fucking Yield. The Transportation Elders have placed those signs around for a reason, douchebag. Ignore them not, for when you do, you proclaim to all and sundry that you placeth yourself above others. Thou art also asking for a beat-down in a parking lot.

3. When Thou Sayest Or Doest Something Harmful To Thine Children, Thou Shalt Apologize. “Do as I say, not as I do” is the parental philosophy of the douchebag. If thine children witness thee acknowledging thy fuck-ups—particularly the ones thou makest towards them—thine children are much more likely to follow in thine footsteps, and own their own fuck-ups. Indeed, this writer has had to ask forgiveness from his child this very day—for he is often a fuck-up.

4. Thou Shalt Not Travel to a Foreign Land And Act Bitchy And Superior When Thine Own Language Be Not The Native Tongue. Thou shalt expand thy worldview with dignity and grace. Thou shalt remember that there are nations in the world that have buildings that are older than thy country, and also that thou art an emissary of thine own land. Thou shalt not be a douchebag emissary.

5. Thou Shalt Not Loan Out a Book That Was Already Loaned Out to Thee. Verily I say unto thee, thou ownst a goddamn smartphone. And iBookshelf is only $1.99, and thou canst see for thineself who that book belongeth to. It’s probably me. And I wanteth it back.

6. Thou Shalt Not Hang a Representation of a Ballsack From The Trailer Hitch of Thine Truck. Seriously. Douchebag.

7. Thou Shalt Not Repost Celebrity Death Notices or Deliberately Vexing “News” Articles, Without That Thy Have First Taken All of Five Fucking Minutes to Ascertain The Truth or Falseness of Such Claims FOR THYSELF. Thou shalt think for thyself. Thou shalt not be sheeple.

8. Thou Shalt Not, in Either Word or Deed, Bring Dishonor, Disrespect, or Harm to a Woman. Thou shalt understand that there are only two types of Man: the Gentleman, and the Douchebag. All other classifications be secondary: rich, poor, young, old, authoritarian or outlaw. While the Elders acknowledge the existence of the occasional stalker ex-girlfriend, the commandment still applies. Be not a Douchebag.

9. Thou Shalt Replace The Fucking Empty Toilet Paper Roll With a New One. Even if thou didst not realize the necessity before, once thy ass touches the Throne of Responsibility, the burden shall be thine. Figure it out.

10. Thou Shalt Park Between The Lines. Period. If thou canst not, thy vehicle is either too large, or too douchebaggy. Replace it.

Go in peace. And be not a douchebag.

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