After 10 years of togetherness with my husband, I’m convinced that marriage is equal parts “I would die without you” and “For the love of God, do you have to sneeze like that?” You can love your husband to infinity and beyond, but as long as you are living under the same roof, eating at the same table, and sleeping in the same bed, eventually, the little things that your husband can’t control begin to drive you up the wall. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m not saying it’s fair. It’s just the way it is.
1. He’ll never fess up to his incessant snoring.
You’re sipping a Mai Tai on a quiet, child-free beach when you are awoken by a melody of…r-r-ronk shhh r-r-ronk shhh. You try to roll him over and wake him up, but nothing works. You toss and turn and can’t fall back asleep for hours. When you try to give him shit about it in the morning, he denies the entire incident. Typical. You realize it’s not his fault that he snores so loudly, of course, but with every sleepless night, you grow closer and closer to smothering him with his pillow.
2. He sneezes so loudly he wakes the baby.
You finally get the baby to sleep and manage to tiptoe out of her room without making a peep when you see your husband making the face. You know the face. The face someone makes when they are about to sneeze. You try to stop him, but he does it anyway. The nerve. Now the baby is awake, and somehow this is your problem. You could get upset, but then you realize it may be a tad irrational to ask your husband to stop performing bodily functions. I just hate when I’m logical.
3. He talks you into watching a movie and then falls asleep 10 minutes later.
Really? Star Wars, again? Doesn’t he have this movie memorized? “Fine. I’ll watch it,” you say. Except, you’re the only one watching it because Mr. I-get-to-pick-the-movie-tonight is already sound asleep. You’re irked, but then you remember you’re exhausted from working all day too. Dammit.
4. He acts like a jerk in your dream.
You’re having the most fabulous dream when you spot your husband canoodling in the corner with some rando. How could he? But then you remember…it’s just a dream. You act cold for the majority of the morning, which is crazy because he literally did nothing wrong.
5. He gets sick.
For months, you have been planning a night out with the girls. You are so excited that you are practically jumping for joy — until you hear your husband moaning from the other room. “I think you should call 911. I’m dying,” he says. You want to smack him silly for contracting the man flu, but then again, men get sick too.
6. He gives you his honest opinion when you ask for it.
You just bought the cutest pair of tie-dye overalls and you ask your husband what he thinks. His silence is telling, and you are pissed. He should like everything you buy, right? Wrong. You asked his opinion, and he shouldn’t have to lie. I would prefer it, but that is hardly fair.
7. He comes home later than he said he will.
Today sucked. As in, you’re hiding in the closet in the fetal position counting the minutes until your husband gets home when he calls and says he will be two hours late. You want to rip into him, but you realize he has a pretty important job and it’s not his fault his boss asked him to burn the midnight oil. His boss can be so insensitive to your needs. Ugh.
8. He doesn’t do things exactly the way you do.
You just finished folding a week’s worth of laundry into neat little piles, and your awesome husband offers to put it away for you. “All done!” he says. You are so happy to have a real partner, someone who helps around the house, until you discover that he put all the clothes in the wrong drawers. Gasp! You try to remain calm even though you are close to hyperventilating and remind yourself that he was trying to help and can’t help it if he doesn’t do things the right way your way.
9. I’m falling apart, and he looks hot as hell.
I’m aging by the minute. No, by the second. It’s so not fair that my boobs are sagging, my stomach feels like Jell-O, and I have wrinkles that even Botox can’t fix. My husband, on the other hand, is aging like a fine wine. He seriously gets hotter each day. And don’t get me started on when we both “try to be healthy” for a week and I gain 2 pounds and he loses 10. What the actual fuck? I want to rage on him, but I guess it’s not his fault he was born with a freakishly amazing metabolism.
The truth is, most husbands don’t do things to intentionally annoy us. They are doing the best they can. Maybe we should cut them a little break, at least for things they can’t help like breathing.
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