My Dearest Husband,
Welcome home! I hope you had a wonderful day at work. I know, I know, I look like hell (again) this evening. Honest to goodness, I had every intention of showering today and making myself more presentable, but it just didn’t happen.
There are endless reasons why I didn’t shower today, but here are the first dozen off the top of my head:
1. Your snoring and the baby kept me up last night so I pressed snooze a couple of times to get a little more sleep. Okay, fine. I hit snooze five times, and I completely missed my window of opportunity to shower before the kids woke up.
2. Then everyone was cranky and screaming for needed breakfast. And I am the only one in the house who knows where to find the cereal and how to pour milk. Apparently.
3. After I dropped off the kids at school, I had to go to the grocery store. Did you know I’m in charge of snacks for the class party tomorrow? Me neither. Until our daughter handed me a note this morning that she received over a week ago.
4. Once I got home, I realized that I didn’t have a clean pair of yoga pants, and it seemed gross to put my freshly showered body back into my less-than-fresh clothes. So I started some laundry instead.
5. Then I was going to shower during nap time, but guess what? The baby had other plans. Those plans did not include sleep or quiet alone time.
6. So I decided to exercise while the baby played, and there’s no point in showering until after I exercise. Because, sweat.
7. Unfortunately the dog puked before I even got my yoga mat in place, and I had to clean that up. That task involved a make-shift Hazmat suit, a steam cleaner, and a lot bit of profanity. (She got into the art supplies again.)
8. Even though I really wanted a shower at that point, Common Core Math (and a hysterical kid) took up the rest of my afternoon.
9. And then I needed to make dinner. Because we all need to eat to stay healthy—and not attack each other. Didn’t I just do this yesterday?
10. But here’s the thing: there’s a major drought going on all over the Western United States. So, really, I’m saving water. And money.
11. And the messy bun look is popular, right? Tell me I look sexy. Tell me now!
12. Besides, I used some baby wipes on all of my smelly parts so I’m clean and sweet-smelling—just like a newborn.
Instead of looking at me in horror, why don’t you take charge of the kids and let me go have that shower now? Which I probably won’t do because a glass of wine and some mindless television sound way more appealing.
Your Beautiful-If-Slightly-Disheveled Wife
P.S. I’ll try again tomorrow. I promise.
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