I Don't Have A 'Mom Tribe' And I'm Okay With That

by Toni Hammer
Originally Published: 

Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert, maybe it’s because I put the “stay home” in stay-at-home mom. Maybe it’s because I’m sarcastic or weird. I don’t know exactly what the reason is, but what I do know is that I don’t have a “mom tribe” and I’m learning that that’s okay.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t occasionally jealous of those moms who do. I see pics on social media of moms going running together. I read updates about how thankful these women are for their “tribe” to pick them up when they’re feeling down. They go on vacations together or have massive playdates with their kids or swap childcare so they can get a date night. They’re practically inseparable and are forever grateful to the women who understand and love them.

I’m not hating. I think it is fabulous when women love on and encourage and lift one another up. I think the world can change when a group of women get together and decide they’re going to do something epic. Hearing women speak about how they feel like they’ve found their “people” makes my heart all warm and fuzzy.

I can be happy for them, and at peace with the fact that I don’t have the same. I’m a mom who’s a bit on the fringe of the social circles.

Don’t get me wrong: I have mom friends. And we do get together every once in a while and commiserate over the trials and tribulations of toddlers and small children whose main mission is to destroy us. And I do have friends who “get me,” but these women are few and far between — not to mention far away from me — so do I have a tribe? A group of women where we’re all friends and we all get together and do stuff and have group hugs and game nights? Nope.

There are, of course, downsides to this situation. I don’t have many people to call on if I’m in dire need of a sanity break and want someone to watch my kids for a few hours. I also don’t have a group of women I can reach out to to watch the kids so my husband and I can go out on dates together. If I plan far enough ahead I can make these things happen, but it seems like having “a tribe” would allow these events to come to fruition much faster than what I’m used to. It sounds like when you have a tribe you’re hardly ever in want because someone is always willing to drop what they’re doing to rescue you because they get it and they live close by and they want to reach out a hand.

I don’t have that. I have a few mom friends who aren’t conveniently located, so for the most part, it’s just me doing my mom thing on my own. And I’ve spent enough time bemoaning the fact I don’t have my people, and I’m pretty much done with that now. I’m at peace with who I am and that I don’t fit into any of the mom groups I’m surrounded by. I’m hanging out on the edges, and occasionally, I get invited into the inner circle, but it’s never for long.

And that’s okay.

I’m not mad at them. And I don’t feel sorry for me.

I like myself. I like my situation. I like the fact that I can be unabashedly me, and I don’t have an ongoing group text message about who is watching whose kids while whoever goes out for date night. I’m a bit independent and autonomous, and that’s where I’m at and I’m at peace with it.

I’ve heard rumors that once my kids are in school I’ll make friends with the parents of my kids’ friends so maybe I’ll someday have my own tribe. For now, though, I accept where I’m at and am relieved to be done trying to find my soul sisters. I’m quite a catch, so I trust that someday they’ll find me.

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