I Don't Need A Quiz To Describe Myself. I Can Just Use Wine Labels!

Like, say, wine bottles. I like to read the labels. They intrigue me. I’m not enough of a connoisseur to actually taste what they proclaim the vineyard produces, but I love the descriptions they use. I never taste the licorice, mint or aromatic flowers. The tannin escapes me as well. If it’s wine, I drink it. What I really gain from wine labels are descriptions that sum up my own personal, charming traits perfectly.

White zinfandel combines crisp refreshment with bright fruit. It has flavors of fresh strawberry and hints of white peach. Now doesn’t that sound just like me at that garden party? I probably had woken up from a nap so I looked crisp. I must have worn an apple red sundress. And I probably had strawberry shortcake with a slice of white peach along with a goblet of white zin. Call me Mrs. Zin. (Not Sin.)

There is also a café zinfandel, which is smoother and lighter. That would be me if I lost 20 pounds. The bottle claims “it delights with strawberry, raspberry, and watermelon flavors and can be served chilled. Let it take you to your favorite neighborhood spot, the one where friends gather for great conversations and sun-kissed patio tables invite hours of lounging.” Count me in! The only issue I would have is the sun-kissed patios in Florida would burn my raspberry butt, but I would adjust. I am a firm believer in making friends in the neighborhood and, especially, lounging.

Cabernet from Bordeaux professes that the flavor is comparable to, well, you decide: “Imagine you filled a leather bag with a pound of black cherries and held it close to your chest while you rolled down a hill. Yum!” Truthfully, after a few glasses of wine I might be game to try this, providing it is a small hill. Cabernet is also best served with meats and high-fat food. What’s not to love?

The other night I enjoyed a cabernet for which the description read, “Enjoy while young and sassy.” At first I thought that was a horrible sales technique. What about all of us older people? I drank it anyway. I always feel young and sassy when I drink wine. My friend said they meant the wine was young and sassy, not the drinker. Who knew?

Merlot is full-bodied and cheaper than the cabernet, but it has a smoother finish. It is affordable and underrated, much like myself.

Riesling has a colorful German heritage that had a bad reputation in the 1980s. My mother-in-law would have loved to discuss, at length, my reputation in that time period; however she’s in Heaven now (I hope). We finally get along famously.

There is a brand of unoaked chardonnay named “Wine With No Pants.” They describe it as getting saucy without pants. No need for me to explain the comparison to moi.

There is also a petite-vidure that drinks well without food. Hello! Is this me or what?

After finishing many bottles of wine, I can finally describe myself to you. Take that, Facebook!