Underwear Are The Freaking Devil

by A. Rochaun
Originally Published: 

Ladies, when it comes to our relationship status with undergarments, I think can best be described as it’s complicated.

Historically, underwear had meaning. In Roman times, differences in undergarments could be used to illustrate social position. But now, all sorts of people wear all sorts of undies regardless of social class. It’s even common for people to wear none. And there even are times medical professionals advise that we go commando for health reasons, like reducing your likelihood of yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis.

I hate underwear and our complicated relationship with it. I hate lingering stigma surrounding the style of underwear one chooses to wear. I hate that guys’ undergarments prioritize comfort, while ours prioritize appearance. I hate that they cost a small fortune. To me, underwear is basically a scam.

Even on my best days, I merely tolerate underwear. But most of the time, I downright loathe them and here’s why:

The endless mountain of laundry.

I hate washing clothes, paying for the water it requires, and buying detergent. I especially hate the pile it makes when I avoid it. For me, underwear just represents an additional thing that I need to wash. And unlike my other clothes, they need to be washed more frequently.

It’s hard to find a good fit.

I think underwear sizes are oversimplified. Butts have a lot more variation than “small,” “medium,” and “large.” Some sit high, others sit low. Some are big and round, others are big and flat. And some are like a sheet of paper. With all this variation, it’s hard to know what kind of underwear will look good on my derriere before trying them on. Since that’s frowned upon for obvious reasons, I am stuck dealing with them or throwing them away.

Don’t even get me started on the size variations for bras. I haven’t had a bra that fit these post-breastfeeding boobs in two years.

The high price… and the low quality.

Why the heck are they so expensive? It’s such little fabric, there’s no reason for it to cost $10 a pack on the cheap end. Even discount stores charge way too much for underwear. Sure, I can get substantially cheaper bras and undies sets at warehouse outlets, but the quality and availability plummets. I don’t even like underwear. It’s just another societal expectation for me to spend money.

Like I said, the best I can hope for when it comes to underwear is tolerance. I tolerate them, but I will never like them. And I sure as heck won’t ever love them. But here’s why I continue to endure the hell that is undies despite my hatred:

They provide a barrier.

As much as I would like to, I can’t pretend that underwear are 100% horrible. They provide an excellent barrier between my goodies and my jeans. If you’ve ever tried wearing jeans without panties, you quickly find the material rubs against your goods a little too much. I don’t like unsolicited stimulation. They also help catching the sweat that accumulates during workouts. Otherwise, I’d have to walk around looking like I have pee-stains. And no one wants that. Oh, and they also help keep my butt from bouncing too much while trying to exercise.

They can bring confidence… and add spice.

For some reason, putting on cute undies, especially with a matching bra, give me an extra boost of confidence. When I have speaking engagements or big meetings, underwear are necessary. It’s kinda hard to wear my stockings without underwear plus it makes me feel more put together.

Another huge benefit to underwear is they help you feel sexy. Naked is sexy, but your partner will know you mean business when they get a sext of you in your special occasion lace drawls. They make our butts and boobs look pretty good.

They can be necessary.

In full transparency, I use menstrual cups and period panties. I don’t need underwear to keep a pad or a pantyliner in place. But when I did use pads, it was impossible to do without underwear. They were a comforting safety net from right before a period to a few days afterwards. I’m not sure if that was a cruel marketing tactic by the power elite determined to keep women paying for underwear and period products or if it’s just a necessity. Either way, there are times undies are necessary.

Just because I prefer to go commando doesn’t mean I don’t think that there are times knickers have value. I understand that some people are really attached to them. All that really matters is you consider your health and wear your size. The rest is up to you.

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