I Have a Dadbod! (And So Can You)

Forget “rockstar skinny.” And ripped pecs and six-packs are out. The hot new physique is the “dadbod.”

You’ve probably already guessed what it looks like. New York magazine defines this unique lack of definition as “a physique characterized by undefined muscles beneath a light layer of flab, usually topped off with a beer belly.”

So, yeah. The dadbod is not quite fat, but a far cry from thin. There are muscles present, sure, but they enjoy a quiet confidence, disdaining the ostentatious need to draw attention to themselves. Think of the David, but if Michelangelo had kept a extra hundred pounds of marble around the midsection, butt, thighs and chest.

The body doesn’t have a signature look so much as a signature message: I am chill. I am a dude who enjoys a pizza. And I am not talking about a slice of pizza. I mean at least half a pie. And I wash it back with a high octane IPA.

This is a man whose body can easily act as a soft place for a person to rest upon. It’s a bod for women who are prioritizing comfort over sexiness.

So, yeah, as you’ve probably figured out by now, I am describing myself. What can I say? I love this trend! Not only because it flatters my current state of existence, but the reportage on it is eerily accurate.

“What’s great about dadbod sex is that you know you’re gonna have great postcoital snacks,” New York photo editor Emily Shornick said, before going on to rather presciently predict that dadbods will definitely have cheese in their fridges.

Clemson sophomore (?!) Mackenzie Pearson was the first to extol the dadbod for college publication The Odyssey. Pearson says that dadbods make girls feel secure and confident because the girls know they’ll always be the pretty one in the relationship. Another perk: The guy with the dadbod is always down for Taco Tuesdays. (Dadbod coverage keeps coming back to food, which, again, is eerily accurate.)

Sadly, I’m too happily married for this trend I’m unwittingly part of to benefit me personally. So I thought I’d impart some dadbod wisdom.

Here’s how I attained my dadbod:

The first step was becoming a dad. Having to care for a kid kept me away from the gym and disrupted my sleep enough to make early-morning runs a thing of the past. Most of your daily vegetables servings will come from leftover baby food. Keep the weight up with Girl Scout cookies and sandwiches.

Oh, but also: You’re probably going to have to stock up on ibuprofen. Carrying strollers, kids, and car seats takes its toll on the shoulders and the back.

Wow, this is starting to seem less chill.

A note on grooming: You’re probably not going to be able to do a lot of it, at least until your kid is a teenager. Just brushing your teeth means taking your eyes off them for, what, 30 seconds? Thirty seconds is just enough time to set a house on fire.

Again, we seem to be straying from that whole chill thing.

Oh, and order pizza every Thursday. I can’t emphasize that enough. It’s a core part of the program.

That’s chill, right? Shit. Maybe I should hit the gym.