If Men Were The Ones Who Had To Fight For Their Reproductive Rights, It Would Go Like This

Originally Published: 
if men had babies
g-stockstudio / iStock

Hello there! Welcome to the federally funded, completely free to you, 24-hour call service to support you in every single aspect of your pregnancy. To better serve you, please follow our automated menu before we connect you to a representative. To start, let’s figure out if you even want to have this baby. Pregnancies and babies are a total pain in the ass, bro, am I right?

So first of all, press 1 if you want to spontaneously abort this baby in a completely painless and private manner. No questions asked. It is your body, your choice, and believe me, no one expects you to carry a back-breaking watermelon for a year, push it out of your penis hole, and then raise it unless you are deeply and fully ready to do so.

We would like to remind you, however, in a totally nonjudgmental way, bro, that if you do decide to keep this baby, and again we understand all the why-nots, there are some government benefits we are required to mention.

You are guaranteed eight weeks paid bed rest leading up to the little bundle of joy’s arrival and then seven months paid paternity leave where weekly meal deliveries, cheerful grandmotherly nannies, and hot, pliant, and totally understanding massage therapists will come to your house weekly to help you nourish your healing body, take time for yourself, and regain your pelvic floor strength — respectively.

When your paternity leave is up, you are of course guaranteed a spot at one of the 10 million high-quality, government-subsidized, Reggio-inspired day care centers, federally mandated to be located every mile throughout this great nation, where caring teachers will ferry your child back and forth for easy bonding and breastfeeding.

Also included in your pregnancy package is a year’s worth of side effect-free birth control that tastes like bacon or cotton candy and gives you washboard abs and the ability to speak French — again all totally free of charge, lumberjack-beard growth optional.

Then again, no one but you knows if you want or are prepared for this baby, so again, please press 1 for a no-questions asked painless, peaceful, and private abortion. In fact, we are piloting a new program where you can just click your heels together three times and whisper breathlessly, “There’s no place like autonomy over my own body…” and *poof* you’re good to go. There might be some small glitches in that system that we are still working out, but fear not because in the meantime we also have painless abortion lollipops, abortion beer in light or pilsner flavor, abortion wine gummies, and abortion pull-apart garlic bread — all available to be shipped to you in discreet, private packaging. Of course, this service is free of charge to you and fully covered by all insurance plans on the planet. Every single one.

Press 2 if you would rather discuss your abortion options in person with a doctor, but know that the only doctor nearby is a religious fuckface who is refusing you medical options because it hurts their Jesus feewings. They will be immediately visited by our armed Men’s Body Support squad and given a stern talking to resulting in either their loss of license or a complete, binding commitment to providing the health care you need. Keep your Bible out of my pants, bro, unless I ask you to put it there, am I right? Again nobody, especially a kind bro like Jesus, wants you to push a watermelon straight out your pee hole while under duress.

Please press 3 if you have decided to go ahead tap into your inner god and carry this miracle of life but can’t wait till you’re 7 months along for bed rest and just need to start that shit now. You will receive 75% of your salary, a new pillow top mattress, home visits from a paternal medicine nurse, Girl Scout cookie delivery and foot rubs.

Press 4 to hear about our employee support/executive leadership program where you will learn about how you are not only guaranteed to keep your current job, at 75% pay throughout your bed rest and paternity leave, but additionally, if you’d like, you can be tracked for a leadership position as your expanded pregnancy, birth, and new parent skills such as empathy, multitasking, and crisis management are highly valued in today’s dynamic work environment.

Press 5 if your back hurts, and Bridgette will be right over to rub it.

Press 6 for free vitamins, quinoa salad, and kale smoothie delivery. We want you and baby to be well-nourished.

Press 7 for a free donut delivery because we understand that babies bring cravings and you need to do you sometimes, am I right? Don’t worry about the weight. We’d like to remind you that recently revised medical guidelines allow for pregnant men to gain up to 100 pounds for each baby, and we’d like you to think of that weight like a trophy, like a battle scar. You have earned every glorious stripe, ripple, and dimple, and they are all to be celebrated. You are growing a human inside yourself, and your body is glorious, and you only have to look around at how top male actors, models, and world leaders have all gained tons of weight and kept it on even after baby and now bare it proudly like the beautiful fact of life that it is.

However, if you to decide you’d like to strength train a bit and maybe get back into pants with zippers, we’ve got your back, bro. Press 8 to learn about our postpartum, federally funded personal trainer who is ready when you are. But again, please take it easy. No one, and I mean no one, expects you to be anything but gentle and celebratory with yourself.

Press 9 for ramen.

This article was originally published on