Ben Affleck Gets A Midlife Crisis Tattoo, All Of His Exes Make Fun Of Him

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 

Ben Affleck’s exes weigh in on his unfortunate ink

Men get to have a midlife crisis and women get to make fun of them. Life is fair like that. Ben Affleck is on every woman’s list right now for allegedly sleeping with the fucking nanny. UGH. Jennifer Garner, in keeping with her usual classy decorum, does not blame the nanny for their split, insisting they were separated for months before she even heard about the affair. But still. Gross, Ben.

Anyway, nanny-screwing seems par for the course for Midlife Crisis Man. Have you heard of Midlife Crisis Man? He can usually be spotted in a tiny fast expensive car, or hitting on college girls at a bar he has no business being in. That’s if you’re anonymous. If you’re famous Midlife Crisis Man (aka Ben Affleck) you sleep with the nanny and get a tattoo of an enormous phoenix rising from the ashes on your lower back.

LOL. Forever.

The exes are talking and it’s not pretty. First, it was Jennifer Garner’s Vanity Fair interview, in which she threw some epic Southern shade at the unfortunate ink:

“You know what we would say in my hometown about that?” Garner joked. “Bless his heart. A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario?” Anyone who’s Southern knows that “bless his heart” is code for, “what a dumb ass.” Then, Jennifer Lopez jumped on the Affleck-bashing wagon, I’d like to think in solidarity. We women stick together. We really do.

“It’s awful!” she told Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live last night. “And I would tell him that. What are you doing? It has too many colors! His tattoos always have too many colors. They shouldn’t be so colorful, you know what I mean? They should be, like, cooler.” Oh, Jennifer. Midlife Crisis Man is the opposite of cool. You should know that.

Jennifer Garner has been the epitome of class through this whole very public divorce. And that interview she gave Vanity Fair was heartbreaking. “He’s the love of my life,” she said. “When his sun shines on you, you feel it. But when the sun is shining elsewhere, it’s cold. He can cast quite a shadow.” Women are constantly expected to keep the house together, keep their shit together, age gracefully, and not go full-crazy when their husband screws the nanny. Fuck that. He’s getting some epic shade thrown his way — and it seems pretty deserved.

Women are always expected to take the high road — especially moms. Sometimes that’s exhausting. So we’ll say it for you Jen: that tattoo is ridiculous.

Midlife Crisis Man strikes again.

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