Kids' Snacks Are A Mom's Worst Enemy

by Sarah Hosseini
Originally Published: 

I need to stop eating my kids’ Goldfish.

I gobble up half a bag of Goldfish and immediately my stomach swims with regret.

The mom munchies marathon starts, just as it does EVERY. NIGHT.

I eat too little at dinner – because A) I don’t have time to sit and eat in between my kids’ five million demands during dinner B) I’m eating my kids’ scraps and C) I’m “trying” to lose weight (um, that’d be “baby weight,” although technically my “baby” is almost 4 years old).

Either way, I’m usually starving after dinner.

My tummy growls through bath time and bedtime stories.

Like clockwork, when I sit down on the couch, the cheesy crackers call me.

It’s romantic, really, the way Goldfish bait me from the pantry. Under the seductive soft-lit luminary glow in my living room. In the thick of sleeping-children silence.

I make my move. I scurry to the pantry and open the door.

Those flippin’ fin fuckers are right in front. In their bright orange bag. They pucker their cute wittle wips. Their eyes are wide with hunger. They want to be swimming in my belly, I just know it. They demand that I devour them.

My love affair with Goldfish started when I was a kid. Y’know, when Goldfish were just cheesy? They weren’t rainbow colored, fudge and vanilla cupcake flavored, and triple cheese blasted. I mean, seriously, there are 15 fucking varieties to choose from now.

As the regular cheddar cheese flavor stares me in the face, I decide on a few handfuls. Like an addict, just a couple can’t hurt.

I plop back down on the couch with the bag in hand.

Well, as they say, one thing leads to another, and soon I’m eating out of the bag, fisting it, and swallowing like a snacky-slut. I have to wipe the salt off the side of my lips when I finish.

I feel disgusting. Worthless. I gave my body to those empty, senseless calories. And I’m sure to get an STD. Sodium Tuberosity Distention. AKA – too much salt makes me bloated.

I sleep off the sad, salty, carb induced coma – and wake up with a puffed up pouch. I decide to only eat fruits and vegetables all day long.

Only to be starved by sunset.


I go for the Goldfish. Only a few handfuls. This night will be different. Because I want a Flintstone push pop tonight too.

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