Yet Another Way Kids Steal Joy & Kill Dreams

rubber-ducky-in-tub

Attention all women: ALL MEN PEE IN THE SHOWER.

No matter what your husband, boyfriend or fiancé has said to you, the truth is, he has, or is still peeing in your shower. This also applies but is not limited to; the ocean, pools, water fountains, public fountains, and random sinks. But for now let’s just stick with the shower.

Peeing in the shower used to be easy. The tub was nice and clean, there were no toys to move out of the way and I could just jump in, eyes closed and let her rip. However, in the last eight years or so my joys of having a good pee in the shower have all but diminished. (Unless, of course, I’m at a hotel or at a friend’s house. Sorry, guys.)

For the last eight years, I’ve had to add a third step to my shower.

STEP 1: UNDRESS

STEP 2: PEE

STEP 3: SHOWER

See the problem here? It used to be:

STEP 1: UNDRESS

STEP 2: PEE/SHOWER

The reason I can no longer pee in the shower? Kids.

Yes, those blood-sucking vampires who emerge from the womb all sweet and cuddly and then slowly morph into walking dream killers. As you can see, having kids has totally cramped my style and added one extra step to my shower experience. And it sucks.

It’s very hard to pee in the shower when my bathtub has been littered with toys for the last eight years. Those sticky alphabet letters? We got em. Floating duckies? We got em. Bowls from the kitchen, dog toys, mixing spoons, and any and everything that they can possibly sneaked into the bathtub has literately been littered at my feet when I step into the shower. One time I found a pork chop. In the bathtub. Many times over the years I’d search for a way that I could pee around the toys. I figured the water would just rinse them off, but almost always I’d talk myself out of it. But this morning I had a pleasant surprise.

When I woke up and stumbled into the bathroom, and as I climbed into the shower half asleep wiping my eyes,  I looked down I noticed that the tub was empty, not one toy in sight. A huge rush came over me as my eyes opened wide and a sly grin crept up onto my face, but then suddenly as quickly as it had come, it all vanished. Because just then I realized…

… that I had just peed before getting into the shower.

Chalk up another win for the kids.

About the writer

Michael Cavender is a stay at home dad who spends his days teetering on the edge of insanity while trying to find the balance between being a father and best friend to his 2 beautiful girls and his rock star 8 year old son. His blog, daddyfishkins, is full of hilarious pictures and stories of how a former tough guy has been totally humbled by his two precocious daughters and too-smart-for-his-own-good son and forced to reevaluate his opinion of stay-at-home parents and women in general. Find him on Facebook and Twitter.

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j.a. 1 year ago

I wish I could post pics because I have a photo of an inexplicable half pork chop on my bathroom counter. It was next to a box OlIvia band aids. Coincidence? I think not.

j.a. 1 year ago

Sometimes. :-)

Christine 1 year ago

Thank you for saying what I was thinking! Nobody here needs judgement.

JA 1 year ago

At the same time?

Jenn Pushkaric 1 year ago

The pork chop was funny!

Adanna Moriarty 1 year ago

Scary mommy is my favorite moments trolling Facebook, it makes me happy, and I always feel a little less like a shitty parent because you all are just like me!

C’dar Pinder-Sommerville 1 year ago

I pee in the shower too! I thought everyone did? Those toys always get in the way though! Stupid things ruin perfectly good shower pees!

Mary 1 year ago

I’ve never kept my kids bath toys in there. They were always taken out each time.
However, I’m female and I pee in the shower every day. It gets washed down and I’m pretty sure after the amount of time and soap used, no trace remains. Besides it saves the water of one flush of the toilet.

Christy Gauthier 1 year ago

Ya women pee in the shower too….don’t let them lie to you!!

Sarah Skewes 1 year ago

That’s perfect!!!!

Ike Armistead 1 year ago

A statement with All or None in it is usually not true.

Terri Elliott-Knoedler 1 year ago

Laughing my ass off!!
My favorite part – ” Kids- yes, those blood-sucking vampires who emerge from the womb all sweet and cuddly and then slowly morph into walking dream killers.”

Amanda Brady 1 year ago

I pee in the shower. And brush my teeth.

Sharon Hammill 1 year ago

I love the stories on this page, and would like to ‘share’ them on mine… but the ‘I am a perfect parent who loves every minute of it, and if you don’t you don’t love your kids’ brigade would crucify me. Even the fact that I’ve made this comment is going to raise eyebrows about what a ‘terrible’ parent I am!

Brandy Lopez Barbee 1 year ago

You know, sometimes you just pick your battles. Not picking up tub toys does not make you lazy. Sometimes you’re just frickin tired all of it and exhausted. Plus there is the rest of the house, outside toys, dinners to prep, laundry for 5 and clean, clean, clean. In addition to kids activities – it’s a lot. Give me a break.

Jeff Moore 1 year ago

Damnit I love peeing in shower

Ro Geiger 1 year ago

Women do it too! At least I do. :-)

Anuwet Walton 1 year ago

I guess I’m a disgusting mom. I pee anyway. So does she. Shit. Is THAT why I’m not getting laid?!!!!

Stephanie Lewis 1 year ago

I have OCD so I never had the problem of toys littering the tub. My shit was put away. As for peeing in the tub, my son thought that was the funniest thing ever – and so did I! Did have to teach him to keep it in the tub and to pee on his toys, not me.

Melinda C Schatz 1 year ago

Love it

Traci Snyder 1 year ago

I guess this is kind of funny…but i pick up my little ones toys after the tub so im not seeing where the issue lies. Laziness? I guess if your too lazy to pick up your kids toys it makes sense you would be too lazy to aim for the toilet bowl…lol

Valeria Jamison 1 year ago

Hilarious

Lisa Michelle 1 year ago

Lol!!

Blaire Fritzinger Waddell 1 year ago

I don’t get why this is such a pleasure?!

MyLove M. Barnett 1 year ago

OMG YES!!! I though I was the only schmuck with all kinds of random shit covering the entire bottom of the bath tub LOL

Kathryn Mink Gutierrez 1 year ago

This is the funniest article I have read all day…kinda makes me glad our bathroom is separate from my kids, so I guess my hubs can still keep this little pleasure….LOL

Mayi Rodriguez-Gomez 1 year ago

LOL