Kids are really great at some things. They are wonderful cuddlers, they are good at picking stuff up off the floor, and they are particularly adept at scaring cats. I don’t think my 4-year-old daughter has actually ever touched a cat, because cats are smart and they recognize crazy when they see it.
But kids are really bad at some things too. For instance, they are terrible at remembering that they took their shoes off by the door where they always take their shoes off. They are bad at caring if you are tired or not. They are also bad at whispering. Try it. Ask a kid to whisper, and they truly can’t do it.
Here are some other things that kids are terrible at:
1. Walking Around the Edge of the Pool
I think kids are actually physically incapable of walking around the edge of the pool. We should feel bad for them, really. That Pretend-Walk-That’s-Actually-Running looks seriously uncomfortable.
2. Scratching Your Back
Have you ever had an itch on your back and asked a small child to scratch it for you? They are terrible at this. “Like this, Mama?” As they lightly place their hand on your back and it feels like millions of spiders have sprouted from their fingers.
3. Telling a Story So That You Actually Know What They Are Talking About
I love hearing their stories. I just wish I knew what the hell they were talking about. Hairy zombies? Flying juice? A portal out of someone’s nose? What?
Parenting tip: Don’t tell a child about anything exciting until you actually arrive at that exciting thing. That is, unless you enjoy saying, “not yet,” every five seconds.
5. Not Asking Strangers Rude Questions
Children really want to know why that lady’s hair looks like that, and they aren’t afraid to ask.
6. Not Repeating Something Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever
Whoever made up the song 99 Bottles of Beer owes me about an hour of my life back.
7. Deciding When They’ve Gone Too Far
We are having crazy fun! Woo-hoo! Things are getting out of control! Oops. Now everyone is crying. Every single time.
8. Not Irritating the Shit Out of Their Siblings
Every day my, kids wake up and think, you know what would be fun right now? Sitting on my brother’s head. I’m pretty sure he’s really going to like that.
9. Remembering Anything We’ve Ever Told Them
My son looks at me in surprise every single day when I tell him that he needs to brush his teeth and comb his hair before school, like, What? I do? I don’t remember you ever saying that before.
10. Keeping Their Bodily Functions to Themselves
Maybe it’s because their bodies are so new and they are still getting used to them, but kids love to let you (and everyone within listening range) know everything that’s happening inside and outside of their bodies.
Just trust me on this one.
12. Caring Whether or Not They Look Homeless When They Leave the House
Just a whole lotta not caring going on around here.
13. Making Decisions About Breakfast
I give them about the same three choices every morning, and they look at me with blank stares like I’m speaking Mandarin, which I’m almost totally sure I’m not doing.
14. Making a Decision About Anything, Really
I don’t know how they are ever going to decide on a college when just ponytails vs. braids renders them an incapable sobbing mess on the floor.
15. Judging Distances That They Can Successfully Jump
Yep, they are bad at this.
Kids are bad at lots of other things, too. The list is long. But I guess most of the time, we can give them a break because they are all just practicing to be functional grown-up humans.