Giant Alligator Reminds Us Florida Shouldn’t Even Be A Thing

Meet the Nope-igator, nature-lover and Florida resident

Every once in a while, you’ll see something trending that you know right away is not something you should click on. Generally, these are easy to pick out because the words “Florida,” “massive,” and some kind of reptile are in the headline. And that’s why when this video of a huge alligator in Florida got posted on Facebook, we all went and checked it out. Because we cannot be trusted.

Kim Joiner took this video of the monster and posted it to her Facebook page yesterday. Since then, it has been viewed over 10 million times.

Kim was at the Circle B Bar Reserve in Lakeland, Florida, when she and a few other life-indifferent visitors stopped to watch the alligator (known by the locals as “Humpback” due to the hump on his back and the fact that he’s in love with a gypsy but is afraid to confess his feelings to her due to his deformity) stroll across a path, mere feet away from them.

Let’s take a peek at what this video would look like if I had been the one to shoot it.

The End.

The alligator is estimated to be somewhere around 12 feet long and to weigh about 1,000 pounds. Many online are comparing it to a dinosaur, as if that’s scarier than “alligator.” Don’t trouble yourselves, friends. “alligator” is plenty for most of us. There’s also quite a bit of comment about his lackadaisical pace. Said one commenter on Joiner’s page, “He looks like he’s used to visitors.” Uh-huh, if by “used to” you mean “full of.” Look at that thing! Does it look like it ever needs to rush anywhere? Like it needs to work on its cardio in case it ever needs to escape from — what? What? There is not a creature on this planet that’s going to look at this alligator and think, “Yeah, I could probably take him.” There are weapons that would become sentient, slap you in the face, and say, “Shooting him will only make him angry, you fool!”

Humpback has no worries. Humpback has no cares.

Those of us who live far from Florida look at this video and wonder why there are people allowed anywhere near a place where alligators can just wander out of the bushes. Well, one look at the Circle B’s website gives you an idea of how casual Floridians are about the dangers of gigantic teeth-filled alligators. Here is the list of “recreational opportunities” available to you during your visit to Heightened Alertness Ranch:

1. Bicycling (Children under 16 must wear a helmet and be able to bike faster than 35 miles an hour in short bursts as needed.)

2. Birdwatching (Learn about the food chain.)

3. Fishing (I should think not.)

4. Hiking (They recommend the 2.5 mile-long “Alligator Alley Trail,” which is unpaved to provide extra traction. And don’t worry about bringing your own pack — the trail is absolutely littered with them.)

5. Picnicking (Because food eating food is funny.)

Thanks, Florida, for reminding us that you are a state that was not created for human habitation. Please, watch this video, Floridians. This is not okay. We cannot allow car-sized alligators to become normalized. Not these days. Not ever.