15 Lies I've Told About My Parenting

There are some things that you are supposed to do as a parent. They are unwritten, or maybe they are written in some Parenting Bible that no one ever sent me. Was I supposed to get a copy at the hospital? Shit. That explains a lot.

All I know is that these are the topics of chatter at the bus stop, on the soccer sidelines, at the toddler swings, and at the concession stand while waiting to buy an overpriced hot dog for a kid who just ate lunch 15 minutes ago.

The message is clear. It has been etched in BPA-free, sulfate-free, paraben-free stone and handed down from the Parenting Gods. We should be paying attention. These things should be blowing up our parenting radar. They are the secret sauce to making our average kids excellent, resilient and successful.

And when they work their way into a conversation, because they always do, I do what any self-respecting parent would do.

I lie. And bullshit. And lie some more.

Like this…

1. Sugar is evil. They are not getting that poison under my roof.

2. Of course, I monitor their screen time. It’s a battle. So hard. But it’s for the best.

3. I think organized sports are so important for physical and social development.

4. All the extracurricular activities I signed my kids up for have me running in circles. I can’t keep up.

5. It’s the checking the homework that takes forever. We go over every answer together. It’s just as much my responsibility as theirs.

6. I’m still making a decision on a birthday party theme, but I finally got the entertainment booked. Thank God.

7. Just got back from volunteering up at the school again. I’m just one of those people that has to know what’s really going on in the classroom.

8. No way! I signed up for that, too.

9. I think children are so fascinating!

10. I just can not find one single minute for myself. It’s incredible.

11. Well, we’ve been putting so much effort into the fundraising. It’s like hello? I have a life here.

12. Me too. I was up all night worrying about his school project. I’m so exhausted.

13. Can not wait for the class party! Counting the days.

14. Yep, totally organic.

15. If I didn’t have my kids, what would I do? Seriously. They’re my entire life.

There you have it.

I’m a big fat, Pinocchio, liar, liar pants on fire.

I do my best to nod and smile and go along with the charade, when what I really want to do is say, “Are you freakin’ kidding me? Who cares?”

But obviously other parents do, so I strap on my best “I’m a good parent too,” face and lie like I’ve never lied before.

Because that’s what parents do.

Related post: 5 Big Fat Lies About Parenthood