Are You Experiencing "Good Mom" Burnout?

I think most moms want to be “good moms.” And for each of us, that could mean something different. Some of us want to raise kids who never know a moment of discomfort; some of us are focused on raising kids who achieve all their dreams, no matter how much it costs. Some of us just want to be present and engaged, filling our kids with core memories, and some of us just want to go to bed every night knowing we did our best to keep our kids healthy, happy, and safe that day.

But no matter what we think of as being a “good mom,” the truth is, we could all feel some burnout from our motherhood work. Whether we’re feeling pressured by social media, from the praise we receive in our own community, or our own expectations, “good mom burnout” makes total sense.

And experts say we really need to take it easy on ourselves.

“A burnout can happen at any time, in any scenario,” says Julie Randolph, a family counselor. “Burnout is just being exhausted from something, whether it’s your job, a hobby, or yes, motherhood.” Randolph says that if you’re feeling burned out from your “good mom” antics, it’s time to reevaluate what it is that makes you a good mom.

You know the basics. You know that keeping your kids fed and happy and healthy is the key principle of being a good mom. But what have you added to it? Answering them every time they need something, even if it means you have to interrupt your work day or project or self-care? Never taking any time for yourself so you can be there for everything they need? Signing your kids up for every activity they want to do, even if it causes a lot of financial and time stress on you?

What if you’re focusing too much on the latest toy trends or Halloween decorations so you can be the good mom your TikTok feed wants you to be? What if you’re trying to play board games, even though you hate them, because social media told you this was an important part of being a good mom? What if every time you go into the kitchen to bake or cook or clean, you feel like you have to say “yes you can help” to your toddler, even though you know it’s going to be a much more difficult job for you and dammit, you just want to get the macaroni and cheese done and the dishwasher unloaded and let them have the iPad for 15 minutes of peace.

Let’s be real, babes — it doesn’t matter how hard we’re trying to be a “good mom” if we’re stressed and exhausted and hanging by a thread every single moment of the day. Our central nervous systems don’t deserve that, and, honestly, neither do our kids.

You can’t think about being a “good mom” in terms of doing every single task of motherhood like a “good mom” would. Just like finding the perfect work/life ratio, it’s all about balance. You do your best to be a good mom all day. You let them choose their clothes; you let them help make breakfast, you tell them how proud you are of them when you drop them off at school, you remember their homework folder, you pick them up and take them to gymnastics — and then, sure, you feed them McDonald’s for dinner and let them have the iPad in the car.

If you’re a person who’s convinced yourself that eating a home-cooked meal around the table as a family is the only way to be a good mom, then of course you’re going to panic that McDonald’s, eaten to the tune of YouTube Kids, puts you right in the “bad mom” category.

But you know it doesn’t.

Imagine forcing yourself to do the “good mom” thing, even if you know it’s going to be hell. Trying to make a homemade dinner at 6:00 when the toddler is whining, and your partner’s not home from work yet, and your big kids are asking for homework help. Trying to force yourself to do the “good mom” thing because you’re worried that if you don’t, you might as well stop bathing them or taking them to school or feeding them at all.

And then feeling like hell at the end of the night anyway because you did all the “good mom” things, but now you’re snappy and exhausted and overwhelmed.

Randolph says you can’t be a good mom if you don’t take care of yourself, and sometimes that means more than just making sure you get a shower, wear the clothes you want, and have an actual lunch every day. “Sometimes lowering your own expectations is the best kind of self-care,” she says. “And it’s the only real solution to ‘good mom’ burnout.”

So ask your kids’ best friend if they can take them to soccer practice when you’re stressed. If you run out of time to make cupcakes for the Halloween celebration at school, just go pick up a box of cookies. If you feel disconnected from your kids but don’t have the funds to spend a weekend at the fair, pile a bunch of blankets on the couch and watch a movie from your own childhood.

Prioritize what feels right to you as a family, not what you think other people are judging you on. So much of being a good mom is built on intuition and knowing your kids best, and you’ve got to trust yourself there. If dinner around the table doesn’t work, find out what does — maybe it’s TV trays in your bed or on the floor of the living room. Being a good mom means making sure your kids feel safe and loved and happy — and you can do that without following some weird guidelines or social media expectations.

There are a million, billion, trillion ways to be a good mom. And if you’re this worried about hitting them all, then I think you’re probably already the best mom in the world.

Now go take a nap. I promise, they’ll be fine without a weekly game night.