Can You Recreate The Euphoria Of A Crush In A Long-Term Relationship?

What was it like when you met your partner for the first time? Did you approach them at a party after they caught your eye, or did they ask a friend for your number and take you by surprise? There’s something so fun about having a crush in those early stages, when you get butterflies at the sight of them across the room. Once you’ve locked down your crush for life and they become your spouse, some of that giddiness tends to dissipate — but does it have to? Can you recreate the euphoria of a crush in a long-term relationship?

This is your brain on a crush.

Why do those first few exchanges with someone you like feel like such a rush? Well, it’s biology, really.

“When we enter into a relationship, our dopamine levels skyrocket to levels comparable to cocaine use. This much dopamine feels great, gives us energy, and actually lets us operate on less sleep, which is convenient for late-night messaging or other activities,” says Amy Bishop, LMFT, owner and couples therapist at Springs Therapy. “Additionally, when we enter into a relationship, our serotonin levels actually drop, which slightly raises our anxiety and makes us want to seek closer proximity to our new partner. These neurotransmitter changes in the brain are not, and are not supposed to be, sustainable. Eventually, as we continue our relationship, our brains make more oxytocin, or the pair-bonding hormone, and we move into a ‘quieter’ love.”

How to bring that crush feeling back into your relationship

You can absolutely feel those butterflies over your partner again, but it’s not going to happen by accident, says Viviana McGovern, LMFT, CEO and clinical director at Full Vida Therapy.

“Couples can still experience sparks of that crush-like excitement. It may just take a little more intention. The rush of a new crush is spontaneous, but in long-term relationships, that feeling has to be created, not just stumbled into,” she says. “In long-term relationships, routine and familiarity replace novelty, and while that brings stability and safety, it’s not really exactly the recipe for butterflies.”

To pull it off, Bishop says to focus on increasing the novelty in your relationship. “The experience of something new also releases dopamine. When we experience novelty with our partner, it can breathe new life into the relationship.”

Bishop and McGovern recommend:

• Sharing your positive thoughts about the relationship when you have them. “Saying things like ‘we make a good team parenting,’ ‘I really enjoy being able to still date you,’ or ‘I am so glad that I get to experience this with you,’ turn up the volume on positive sentiment within the relationship,” says Bishop.
• Trying something new together, like taking dance lessons, eating at a new restaurant, or exploring an unfamiliar city.
• Putting yourself out there again. “Small moments of emotional risk like sharing a compliment you usually hold back, planning a surprise, or showing up in an unexpected way can really spark that ‘I see you and I like you’ feeling again. And sometimes, just looking at your partner through fresh eyes by remembering what drew you to them in the first place can go such a long way,” McGovern says.
• Looking into your partner's eyes for 20 seconds or more. “Letting yourselves really see and be seen can be incredibly intimate and low stakes,” says Bishop.
• Asking each other new questions about your childhoods, hopes, and dreams. This can bring up new information that lets you see your partner in a new light.

So yes, while the magic of crushes is all these big, romantic feelings just swirling around, it’s kind of lovely to think that the reason that’s not there anymore is because you feel so safe with your partner. And, better yet, you can still want to smooch their face right off with a little extra effort to cultivate some butterflies.