What I Mean When I Say My Depression Is Really Bad Right Now

by Erin Mendoza for The Mighty
Originally Published: 
A woman dealing with depression while sitting curled up on a bed in a dark room.

There are a lot of people who know I have depression, because I’m pretty open about it. However, there are probably only a handful of people who know it’s really bad right now. And my wife is probably the only one who has a clear idea of what that really looks like and what it means.

When I say my depression is really bad right now, I mean I’m exhausted. I’m more than exhausted, but that’s the best word I can think of. All I want to do – and all I have the energy to do – is sit on the couch or be in bed. If possible, I take at least one nap every day. Sometimes two.

When I say I’m really struggling right now, I mean my emotional reserves are completely empty. I’m crying every day. Everything overwhelms me. Any little obstacle becomes a catastrophe. Normal social interactions are almost impossible. Faking a smile takes more emotional energy than I have available. The only way I can get through the day is to check out. Be numb and just go on autopilot.

When I say that things are hard, I mean it is extremely difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I know there are things I need to do, but I can’t get myself to do them. It’s not that I want to be unreliable – I frequently have a lot of guilt about this – I just can’t.

When I say I’m severely depressed, I mean I’m having suicidal thoughts. I don’t really want to kill myself, but the thoughts come anyway. And with them, the small fear that things could get bad enough I’ll lose sight of the fact that I really do want to be alive.

Depression affects so many people, and it looks different for everyone. This is what depression looks like for me.

Originally published on The Mighty.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or contact Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

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