Does A Woman’s Sexuality Peak In Her 40s?

I feel like there’s been a definite shift over the last few decades on how we view “older women.” We still have a long way to go in terms of representation and respect, but getting older is no longer seen as the “curse” it once was — especially for those of us in our late 30s, heading into our 40s. For so long, turning 40 was a huge “omg what the hell” kind of deal, and now every woman I know in their 40s is like, “This is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

And I’m starting to wonder if it’s all the sex.

Because there seems to be a huge uptick in how women view sex in their 40s and 50s. While there are physical things that can make it less-than-fun (like dropping estrogen that affects vaginal lubrication, arousal, energy, etc.), every week in Scary Mommy Confessions, I am blown away by how many women share that not only do they love being in their 40s, but they’re also having the best sex of their life.

Are we hitting our peak sexuality in middle age?

When does a woman’s sexuality peak?

The idea that there’s a specific age where women hit their sexuality peak is a bit of a myth, says Trina Read, a sexologist and author. Instead, she believes a woman hits her sexuality peak when she can do two things. “One, ask for the pleasure she wants — which will probably be different from her partner’s. And two, lean into the pleasure she asked for. When or how a woman can do this depends on her self-worth rather than her age. As women get older, it becomes easier for her to shed all the societal shame, which is why it’s thought women peak later in life.”

Read explains that in Alfred Kinsey’s Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, published in 1953, his research suggested that women “reached their sexual peak and were more likely to have regular orgasms in their 30s.” But Read says researchers have questions this conclusion, as in the 1950s, there wasn’t a lot of premarital sex. (And much of Kinsey’s research is based on interviews with both men and women.) “Meaning it wasn’t until women had been married and having sex for at least 10 years that she figured out how her body and sex worked.” When you factor in that women in their 30s were still having kids (or in the thick of parenting), you can see how a woman’s libido flatlines a bit, making it look like they had a small peak for a while and then it was all downhill from there.

“Interestingly, Kinsey's research also found that some of the most sexually active women were in their 50s and 60s,” Read says.

“I often hear women wonder about their sexual peak,” says Camille Espinoza, an AASECT certified sex therapist and founder of the Center for Intimacy and Relationships. “I have found that people have the best sex when they feel comfortable, confident, and psychologically safe. This can happen at any age, but women in midlife have an advantage here. The key factors are the circumstances surrounding the sexual experience.”

It makes sense. There is so much you’re still learning about your body in your 20s and 30s — often with other new, inexperienced partners — and for a while, that’s all the sex you know. But our bodies continue to change, as do our wants and desires, so it’s easy to see how your sexuality “peak” never really comes — it’s just a constant mountain range going up and down for eternity.

Are women having better sex in their 40s?

Again, this is dependent on so much. But Espinoza says in her experience, “middle age brings a new level of discernment about the sex they are having, and this leads to better sex.” She says they may be more selective about their partners or the types of sex they want to have, as well as feeling more comfortable asking for what they want. “This leads to a more satisfying experience, and in turn, more confidence for the next experience.”

“The older we get, the wiser we get,” says resident sex therapist at Adam & Eve Dr. Jenni Skyker. “With more experiences, understanding of self, and permission to live the one life we get, many women allow for their sex lives in their 40s to finally thrive.”

That doesn’t mean you suddenly become an insatiably horny woman in her ‘40s. It may not even mean you want more sex or different sex in your ‘40s. But finding that confidence in yourself — in all aspects, not just sexuality — can lead to your entire world opening up and looking a little different. Maybe you’re still doing the same positions with the same partner you have been for years, but suddenly everything feels better and more exciting. Maybe you’ve never really been into sex at all, but now you’re craving that intimacy because you feel fully confident and in love with who you are.

Honestly, being in your 40s sound like a dream. I’m ready.