“Having Scheduled Sex Changed Everything For My Marriage”

This story is an “as told to” and anonymous. The mom in this story is a mother of three, in her 30s, living in the Southeast.

I always thought “scheduling” sex sounded like the most boring thing in the world.

And then I had a kid. And then two more.

My husband and I always had a pretty good sex life, but three kids in six years really left us exhausted. Happy! But so tired and so out of touch with each other. Friends would tell us to schedule date nights, but babysitters and the logistics of it made it seem overwhelming. We figured we were just in a weird stage and would get through it.

But then one day, I realized it had been about six weeks since we had sex.

I felt guilty that I hadn’t noticed as time was passing, but when I brought it up to my husband, he said he felt the same way. It’s easy to think, “Oh, if we aren’t missing it, we don’t need it,” but we were missing it. Once I thought about it, it was all I could think about — I wanted that intimacy, I wanted to feel desired by my husband, and I wanted him to feel good and secure in our marriage, too.

So we put sex on a schedule.

At first, we just decided it would be every Saturday night. And yeah, the first few times, it felt a little awkward and rehearsed. We’d put the kids to bed, have a glass of wine, and then look at each other and go, “So...” and make our way to the bedroom. The sex was good, but it sort of felt like we were checking something off a list.

But a couple of weeks in, we started getting our groove back. And then we decided to add another day.

I don’t know if it’s like a Pavlovian response, but something about scheduling sex completely changed my brain chemistry. On a Tuesday now — the one day of the week we don’t have kid activities — I know I’m going to get hot, sexy alone time with my guy. It’s like I’m horny as soon as I wake up, and we send each other sexy texts and photos. Because we know which days we’re going to be intimate, it also gives us time to plan new things we want to try — I’ll send my husband a link to a new toy I heard about, or he’ll text me with something super dirty he wants to try on Saturday.

It takes the guesswork out of our intimacy, and it helps us prioritize each other by having days that always work for us.

And all of this scheduled sex has honestly led to more spontaneous sex — we’re just always in the mood for each other. But the schedule takes the pressure off of trying to be spontaneous or worrying that the other person thinks you aren’t doing it enough.

It sounds so boring, but it actually might be the hottest thing we’ve ever done.