Ask Scary Mommy: How Do I Break Up With My Childhood Friend?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

This week, we’re talking about platonic girlfriends. They are the lights of our lives, the people who give us strength and love, the only people who might know more about us than our husbands. But what happens when things stop working out? There’s no formal breakup rules like there are with romantic relationships. But should there be?

Dear Scary Mommy,

I’ve been friends with “Cora” for basically my whole life, and while we’re not best friends, we still see each other pretty often. But over the past year or so, I’ve realized that I don’t want her in my life anymore. She didn’t do anything terrible to me, she didn’t break my trust or sleep with my husband or insult my children. But we’ve grown into different people. There’s a personality element — I just no longer enjoy spending time with her — and there’s also a political element. I’ve noticed in the past few years that our values don’t line up, and I don’t agree with her beliefs. This feels more important to me now than it ever did.

I feel like if me and Cora met today, we would not become friends at all. I also want to invest more time with friends who align with me, my values, and who I am today. But here’s the problem: How do you break up with a friend? Do I suddenly ghost her? Tell her the truth in a formal in-person break-up? Or try to slowly slip away over a longer stretch of time?

— Ready To Move On

Dear Ready To Move On,

Tradition isn’t a good reason to keep doing something. Even though you have a long history with Cora, she isn’t family, you never made vows to her (I assume) and you don’t have any obligation to stand by her side for life (I’m guessing). Just like with divorce, people grow and change — it’s actually pretty rare and amazing when two people can find, forge, protect, and grow a lifelong relationship. And it’s incredibly normal for people to outgrow each other and move on to new chapters.

This is a long way of saying: it’s natural, normal, and common for friendships to come to an end.

The strange thing is that there’s no textbook way to end a friendship — probably because friendships come in so many different shapes and sizes. In many cases, they simply fade away due to changing priorities, physical distance, or time. So, it’s not surprising that you’re not sure how to move forward.

Unfortunately, the answer is tough: You should be direct and pull of the friendship bandaid in one clean swipe that comes in the form of an open and honest conversation. Personally, I find the phone to be best, since it doesn’t take on the formal weirdness of an in-person meet-up and has more clarity and respect than text messages.

When you have the conversation, remember that you don’t need to do a deep dive into the reason for the friendship ending. The more specific you get, the more they have a chance to argue, fixate, or get hurt. Instead, keep things general. Instead of saying, “You were a nightmare at my kid’s first birthday party and have have an All Lives Matter hashtag in your Insta bio,” try saying something like, “I feel like we’ve grown apart and are no longer a good fit for each other.” You don’t want this to turn into a big fight (I assume) so it’s better to lean away from accusations and toward the simple fact that you’ve made the decision to leave the relationship.

And try to end the conversation on a positive and respectful note. You might thank the person for the time you spent together and give them well wishes for the future. But don’t be surprised if they want to end the conversation abruptly.

Of course, there are specific situations where you’ll want to skip the direct communication and instead block and ghost. If the person has been abusive, acted extremely inappropriately, or makes you feel unsafe, block them on your phone and online and stop communication. You don’t need to “break up” with a friend who slept with your husband or slapped your kid, for example.

What’s wrong with the “fade out” option? This can be a good strategy if your friend lives far away or if you’ve been headed down the path of not being friends for a while naturally. But if you try to fade out on a friend you see and speak to regularly, let’s face it: that will probably end in a confrontation at some point anyway. And your friend might be significantly more hurt or angry at that point.

Honestly, sometimes being a good friend includes ending the friendship in a clear and direct way.

— Scary Mommy

Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.

If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!