How Many Times Should You Invite Friends Before Giving Up?

We all have a friend in our circle who, more often than not, turns down an invitation to hang out. They’re busy; they’re exhausted; they’re out of town. Maybe they tell you they need more of a head’s up, and then next time they tell you the need a more spontaneous invitation so they don’t forget. They’re the friend in your group that everyone shouts, “Omg you came!” when they show up at a party and laugh about when someone says, “Oh yeah, they said they couldn’t make it.”

But... how many times should you keep inviting that friend out before you give up?

As common as this friend is in every group, so is the debate on how many chances to give them. “Should we invite them?” becomes a frequent question before every party, every night out at the bar, every girls’ dinner. You know they probably won’t come — you most likely say that out loud every time you send them an invite — and you debate with your partner, your other friends, yourself about whether or not to send that text.

This kind of back-and-forth has inspired a lot of people to make “rules” regarding their friendships and inviting people out. Amber G., a mom of three in Georgia, tells me that she only invites a friend out three times before giving up. “And it has to be like, three consecutive times in a row that you’ve blown me off. I get that people are busy and that things happen, but if three times in a row you tell me you can’t hang out, then I just assume you really don’t want to and I let it go.”

But another mom, Lauren F., tells me she thinks any kind of rule like this goes against the very principles of friendship. “What does it matter if they can make it or not? If they’re your friend and you want them there, just invite them. Maybe they’ll show up, maybe they won’t, but I’ve never regretted inviting someone. The issue for me is if someone says they’re going to come and then keeps bailing.”

So what do you do?

Like most things relating to friendship and relationships, there are no hard and fast rules here. I reached out to a few therapists, but they all had the same advice: you have to decide what’s important to you about your friendship. How does it feel when a friend is constantly turning you down? Does it make you feel like they aren’t valuing your friendship? Do they have other ways they add to your life and show their support?

A friend who always turns down an invitation is one thing, but if they are a friend who also responds to your texts, calls you for updates, and seems genuinely invested in your life and your friendship, then it might be worth talking to them and having a conversation about how you feel like you are always inviting them and they’re never showing up.

Likewise, if you feel like you’re constantly inviting a friend who never shows and you’re lacking a deeper connection, it might be time to pull the plug. “It’s not that I think you have to have a rule about how often to invite friends,” Amelia H., a Texas mom of four tells me. “But I do think if you keep inviting someone just because you always have or because you’re worried that if you don’t, you’ll feel bad, then I think it’s OK to say enough is enough. We all have our limits, and continually reaching out to someone who doesn’t seem to give you the time of day sucks.”

Making a rule about inviting your friends somewhere is totally up to you. But before you jump onto some quick TikTok trend about giving friends three tries before you give up or wearing yourself out by inviting someone over and over, no matter how it makes you feel, really look deep at the friendship. Is it worth saving? Is it even a real friendship anymore? Go from there, and your ideas on “how many times should I invite someone before giving up” could totally change.