5 Sexpert Scripts For Initiating That Aren’t “So... Want To?”

The other night, I was watching a movie with the guy I've been seeing when, sure enough, he started caressing my thigh. I immediately thought, “Oh, I know what this means.”

We've all been there. Pawing at someone's chest, letting a hand linger a little too long on their back, maybe batting our eyelashes like we're auditioning for a rom-com. Many of us will do just about anything to avoid saying the words, “Want to have sex?”

Or maybe, in spite of how horny we may feel, we don’t do anything for fear that we will come across as “too much” or be turned down.

Even in happy, long-term relationships, making the first move can feel surprisingly vulnerable. Fear of rejection, mismatched libidos, and the pressure to not be cringe (yes, even as grown adults) can make initiation feel like a high-stakes event.

The good news? Sex experts say it doesn't have to. One of the biggest mindset shifts is redefining what initiation actually is. Instead of treating it as asking for sex, they recommend thinking of it as inviting connection.

If initiating sex makes you want to crawl under the covers — and not in a sexy way — here are the expert-approved scripts (and the advice behind them) that can make making the first move feel a whole lot easier.

Why does initiating feel so scary in the first place?

Even if you’ve been married for years, it might be surprising how normal it is for couples to freak out over initiating sex with their partner. The main culprit? Staying within the same routine you’ve probably established since you first started dating.

“Couples eventually fall into roles,” Dr. Mindy DeSeta, certified sexologist and sexuality educator at Hily Dating App, tells Scary Mommy. “One person becomes the primary ‘initiator’ and the other the ‘responder.’” However, over time, she says, “the initiator becomes tired of always being the one to take the lead.”

Repeated rejection (even gentle rejection) can become emotionally exhausting.

“People who fall into the initiator role become anxious or uncomfortable about initiating because they don't always know the response from their partner,” she says. “They fear the rejection and the emotional pain that comes with it.”

Somatic sexologist and relationship coach Kimberly Anne of Lustery agrees, pointing out that sex remains vulnerable no matter how long you've been together. “I believe sex is the most vulnerable thing human beings do on a somewhat regular basis,” she says. As relationships evolve, “initiation can feel loaded with the possibility of rejection, disappointment, or pressure.”

Initiating doesn’t have to mean “Let's have sex.”

One of the biggest mindset shifts, according to Kimberly Anne, is redefining what initiation actually looks like. She often starts by helping clients identify whether they're following outdated “sexual scripts,” the unspoken social rules we've absorbed about what sex is supposed to look like.

“Without going too deep into sexual script theory, a sexual script is a way for us to better understand how social norms may influence our sexual behavior,” she explains.

For example, many people in heterosexual relationships assume sex always has to include penetration or that the encounter ends when the man orgasms. “But none of these things need to happen for you to have a fulfilling sexual encounter,” Kimberly Anne says.

Instead, she encourages couples to get curious about what feels exciting to their partner right now — not something based on a fantasy or what might’ve worked before: “Start by figuring out what sounds sexually exciting to your partner in their current season of life. By showing some openness to what sex looks like, it can take the pressure off the receiver to say yes because it gives them power to set the tone.”

That shift, she says, also makes initiating less intimidating.

“When we reframe what sex looks like, it can take pressure off of the person initiating, as well as off the receiver feeling obligated to say yes,” Kimberly Anne says. “One of my favorite reminders is that initiation doesn't have to mean, ‘Do you want to have sex?’ It can simply be an invitation to connect.”

That invitation might be cuddling on the couch, taking a shower together, sharing a lingering kiss, or offering a massage... all without the expectation that it has to lead anywhere.

“When people know they can say yes to connection without automatically saying yes to sex,” she explains. “They often feel much safer exploring where desire naturally wants to go.”

What are some actual things you can say to initiate?

Script #1: When you want to ease into it sex without trying too hard

If you want to start off slowly without being too explicit, Dr. DeSeta recommends using language that's warm, inviting, and specific. Her favorite openers include:

• “I'm really enjoying my time with you. Can I move closer to you?”
• “I'm really desiring you right now. Can we have a slow, sensual kiss?”
• “I've been thinking about you all day and looking forward to our time together.”

“Use the language your partner gravitates towards,” DeSeta says. “If they like the word ‘sexy,’ then use it!”

Script #2: When you're nervous about being too direct

If saying “I want sex” feels intimidating, Kimberly Anne recommends leading with closeness and compliments instead. Try:

• “I really want to be close to you today.”
• “Can I have a hug?”
• “Can I hold your hand?”
• “You look really beautiful today.”
• “I love that outfit on you—you look really hot.”

Remember, these aren’t throwaway compliments. Find something genuine and meaningful about your partner and communicate how you’re feeling to see what might transpire.

Script #3: When you're not sure they're in the mood

Not every initiation has to be spontaneous. If you’re looking to schedule some alone time with your partner, Kimberly Anne recommends doing a gentle “vibe check” with something like: “I'd love to find some time to connect with you, even if it's just five minutes. I'd really like to feel close to you.”

There’s no expectation that sex has to happen; it’s simply an invitation to connect and check in where your partner’s at.

Script #4: When you’d rather not say anything at all

Just like my date, sometimes body language does the talking. “A lingering touch is so sensual and can be a huge turn-on,” DeSeta says. She recommends:

• lingering hugs
• slow back rubs
• cuddling instead of sitting across the room
• lightly touching your partner as you pass them in the kitchen
• lingering eye contact, which she notes releases dopamine and oxytocin, “a bonding hormone that increases desire.”

The key is that these gestures don’t automatically demand sex. They simply communicate that you want to be close with your partner.

Script #5: When your partner says no

It happens. Hearing “not tonight” can sting, but both experts say the response matters just as much as the initiation.

DeSeta suggests nudging your partner towards finding another way to stay connected. Maybe that's cuddling, making out, showering together, giving each other back rubs, or simply lying in bed talking.

Kimberly Anne recommends responding with reassurance instead of disappointment. She recommends saying: “I respect that. I appreciate your honesty. Is there a time when you'd be open to connecting with me?”

That kind of response lets your partner say no without feeling guilty, making future yeses feel much easier.

You should talk about sex before you're trying to have it.

Both experts say one conversation can dramatically improve future initiation, and that’s having an honest conversation about your sex life before you have sex.

DeSeta recommends setting aside time for what she calls “The Sex Talk.”

“It doesn't have to be intimidating,” she says. She suggests spending about 20 minutes discussing your turn-ons, turn-offs, and what helps each of you feel mentally and physically open to intimacy. “The Sex Talk is not a one-and-done thing,” she adds. “Couples need to revisit these conversations as pleasure is constantly changing.”

Kimberly Anne suggests asking simple questions outside the bedroom, like “When do you usually feel most open to connect?” or “What's something I do that puts you in the mood?” Those conversations remove the guesswork later and can help you connect further on what you both find sexy and safe.

Ultimately, both experts say that it’s important to remember that when you’re initiating sex, you’re inviting connection.

“The goal is to build enough trust that if one partner isn't in the mood, it doesn't end in rejection,” DeSeta says. “It still ends in some form of connection." She adds, “Physical intimacy isn’t just sex. Begin expanding your definition of physical intimacy. When you open your mind to the many ways of connection, you create more opportunities to feel close, safe, and genuinely desired.”

Kimberly Anne agrees. “Sex can be whatever the hell you want it to be!” she says. “When you start to reframe how you see sex and allow room for more play and curiosity, then it starts to release the pressure of it looking a certain way.”