I Want To Try Swinging. How Do I Tell My Spouse?

Welcome to Ask A MWLTF (Yes, that’s Mother Who Likes to F*ck.), a monthly anonymous advice column from Scary Mommy. Here we’ll dissect all your burning questions about motherhood, sex, romance, intimacy, and friendship with the help of our columnist, Penelope, a writer and mental health practitioner in training. She’ll dish out her most sound advice for parents on the delicate dance of raising kids without sacrificing other important relationships. Email her at askpenelope@scarymommy.com.

Dear MWLTF,

For the past few months, I’ve found myself increasingly curious about swinging. I’m married, I love my wife, and I’m not unhappy — but I feel drawn to the idea of sexual novelty and shared experiences with other couples. I haven’t told my wife any of this yet. I’m afraid of hurting her, scaring her, or making her think I’m dissatisfied or planning to cheat. I keep wondering — how do I bring this up in a way that’s honest but not selfish? And how do I know whether this is something to explore — or just a fantasy I should keep to myself? — Wondering

Dear Wondering,

First of all, let me put your mind at ease. Having this thought does not make you a villain. It makes you a long-term partnered adult with a pulse.

Most people don’t wake up one morning and think, “Ah yes, swinging — this will clearly solve everything.” Curiosity like this usually shows up more quietly. It’s often less about wanting other people and more about wanting something back: playfulness, aliveness, the feeling that sex is still a place of discovery and not just another shared responsibility.

That said — and this matters — your wife is not going to hear this curiosity in a vacuum. She’s going to hear it through years of cultural messaging that tells women that if their partner wants more sexually, it must mean they aren’t enough. Even if you say all the “right” things, her nervous system may still go straight to “What’s wrong with me?” or “Is this already happening in his head?”

So before you say anything, slow down ask yourself what this new interest is really about — expansion or escape? Are you genuinely curious about swinging and how it might spice up your loving, long-term partnership, or are you bored and hoping this will fix something you’re not ready to confront?

Also, and this is important, ask yourself if you’ll be able to tolerate a real no? Not a “maybe later,” not a “let’s see” — a no that means this is not happening. If you can’t tolerate that, don’t bring it up yet. Ethical non-monogamy starts with consent, and consent includes the freedom of everyone involved to decline without punishment.

When you do talk to her, approach it as a conversation, not a pitch meeting. Do not come armed with podcasts, Reddit threads, or a PowerPoint on how swinging will enhance your marriage. That almost always backfires. Instead, try something more human and less strategic. Something like: “I want to talk about something a little vulnerable. I’m not unhappy with us, and I’m not asking for anything right now. But I’ve noticed some curiosity coming up for me, and I don’t want to hide it or let it turn into something secret.”

Also — and this is key, too — don’t frame swinging as a solution. Swinging doesn’t fix relationships; it amplifies them. Whatever cracks, insecurities, or communication patterns already exist will get louder, not quieter. Finally, be prepared for her reaction to take time. Curiosity doesn’t always look like excitement. Sometimes it takes the form of a long pause while someone figures out what they actually feel. Your job isn’t to convince her. It’s to stay present without pushing.

And here’s something people don’t say enough: fantasies are not marching orders. You’re allowed to want things you never act on. You’re allowed to say them out loud and then decide together that they stay in the realm of imagination. For many couples, the intimacy comes not from swinging — but from the honesty required to even talk about it.