OK, I Think Maybe All Of Us Should Be Doing Some Rejection Therapy

Therapy may sound like a mainstream buzz word these days, but it’s one that really matters. Whether you’re going to therapy in-person or trying virtual therapists, it’s incredibly beneficial to have a safe space to talk things out. And lately, some versions of therapy are showing up on social media in a sort of DIY way, like “rejection therapy.” The idea behind this term all over social media is that it can be a helpful thing to do at home — and on your own — to remedy some of your anxieties, especially social anxiety. But does it work? Is rejection therapy a legit thing?

And seriously, should we all be doing it?

What is rejection therapy?

Rejection therapy is exactly what it sounds like — you’re getting therapy for your fear of rejection by purposely putting yourself in a position to be rejected. “You put yourself into a difficult situation and then you see that survive it and your anxiety goes down every time you do it,” says clinical psychologist and private owner at Best Life Behavioral Health Samantha Whiten. It can range in complexity, but Whiten says the whole point is to realize that it’s not the end of the world for someone to not like interacting with you, and rejection therapy teaches you that being embarrassed doesn’t actually hurt you in the long run.

“I believe rejection therapy was inspired by the book 100 Days of Rejection,” says licensed psychotherapist Lorain Moorehead. “Essentially, rejection therapy is exposure therapy. The goal being that repeated exposures to the stimuli, in this case rejection, reduces the sympathetic nervous system response — fight, flight, or freeze.”

How do you do rejection therapy?

The really great thing about rejection therapy, whether you’re anxious about making a phone call or nervous about going to a party on your own, is that you can build up your confidence from the safety of your own home. “A super fun one is to order something in a restaurant that they don’t serve, and power through the side-eye and annoyed response they give you,” says Whiten.

Moorehead agrees that rejection therapy can be as simple as something like that, but the big thing to consider is that it might be discouraging to make your first foray into rejection therapy a really important request. “If it ends up being a ‘no,’ there might not seem to be a reason to proceed,” she says. “I recommend beginning with lower stakes rejection offers so the person receives a variety of yeses and nos and can build from there, and process the feelings that come from both.”

If advocating for yourself more is the goal, try asking a coworker if you can join their group for lunch or reaching out to a doctor to ask questions about your health. “Or else they can be related to certain genre of challenges, such as phone-related, social media-related, and so forth. Some ideas would be calling to ask for an appointment rather than texting, asking for an option that isn’t listed or asking for an adaptation.”

And if you’re experiencing social anxiety, try inviting people to participate in a gathering or project of your own as a challenging and rewarding move. But Whiten recommends beginning any kind of rejection therapy with people that aren’t considered friends. Maybe ask a new neighbor if they’d like to walk with you one morning or ask a coworker to come with you to get a coffee. “This may seem counterintuitive, but I find that asking friends opens new challenges to process.”

Again, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. If you want to try rejection therapy because you’re anxious about asking someone on a date, don’t make that your first step. Don’t go straight to your boss and ask for a raise if that’s your biggest fear. Start small, with things that don’t matter much in the long run. Order your complicated coffee inside Starbucks rather than the app. Call the hair salon to make an appointment instead of sending your stylist a DM. Ask the mom you always see at the park if she’d like to get a coffee when your kids are done on the swings.

If you face a rejection — if the mom says no thanks, if the salon says they’re booked that day, if the barista has to ask you twice how many pumps of pumpkin you wanted — then you’ll be able to handle it in stride because you’ll know it’s truly no big deal.

As you go through rejection therapy, you’ll build up your confidence and realize that nothing you were worried about — being embarrassed, getting something wrong, feeling like you messed up — is the end of the world.