A Love Letter To The Moms In Local Facebook Groups

“Does anybody know if it’s too late to sign my kids up for Angel Tree? I was counting on my job’s bonus to go shopping, and they just now told us there won’t be a bonus. I’m a single mom and struggling.”

It was the first thing I read when I hopped on Facebook one afternoon, right at the very top of my Facebook news feed — a post from my local mom group. Usually, it's a mom asking for recommendations for dance classes or wanting everyone’s opinion on the school her neighborhood is zoned for. Often, I roll my eyes at the posts where a mom complains about her child’s teacher using candy as a reward.

Facebook mom groups are notorious for being places where nosy, petty, angry busybodies go to let off steam. They’ve been satirized by comedians, torn to shreds over the dinner table, and turned into jokes at the school pick-up line.

But sometimes, they are the place where my faith in humanity is restored.

This post about the angel tree only had a couple of comments. A few people dropped links to other toy donation centers in the area. One mentioned our local co-op, which has an entire toy “store” where parents can shop and pick out items with dignity. Another simply said, “Everyone’s struggling this year. It’s time to show your kids what Christmas is about.”

The last commenter wrote, “How old are your kids? Maybe we can help.”

Because this is a mom group.

And it’s always the moms.

I’ve seen it played out over and over through the years. One February, I saw an anonymous post come through of a woman who needed resources for leaving an abusive marriage. She had two young kids, needed to pack her things and store them, needed to get to the airport and fly to her parents so she could be safe.

She wasn’t asking anybody to do anything. “I know everyone has problems,” she wrote in the post. “I’m just asking if anyone has any resources.”

The resources were the moms themselves.

They all pitched in — this post had over 250 comments. Women sharing their own stories of domestic violence, offering her and her kids a place to stay until she could get on the plane. Three women joined together to have groceries delivered to her next location. The day she was finally able to leave, she had at least 10 moms — strangers to her — show up at her house the minute her husband left for work, packing all of her things. One of the women had a storage unit and drove it there. Another gave her and her kids a ride to the airport.

“This group helped me so much when I was pregnant with my now 3-year-old,” an anonymous mom in the group shared with me. “I didn’t know what I was going to do. From being pregnant to giving birth, anybody that could help me, helped me. Now I always try to give back.”

Because it’s always the moms. Moms at the playground handing wipes to a stranger whose kid just had a blowout. Moms at the school event moving their toddler into their lap so there are enough seats for everyone. Moms at Target buying an extra bag of Goldfish crackers to drop off at the food pantry.

No matter how hard a mom is struggling herself, the thought of another baby going hungry or a toddler waking up Christmas morning without a gift just won’t do. They offer to bake birthday cakes, give Halloween costumes, make playdates with new moms who worry their kid doesn’t have any friends. One mom recently posted that she was stressed by the state of her house and wanted it clean for the holidays. “I’m just sitting on the floor, overwhelmed about where to start. Does anybody have any cleaning tips?”

“If I can bring my 3-year-old, I’ll come help clean.”

“I have tons of cleaning supplies, I don’t mind giving you a hand.”

“Girl, I’ve been there. I’d love to come help.”

Over 50 comments, some full of incredibly useful tips and encouragement, some full of offers to show up and help clean. And these moms are all busy. They’re seeing these posts just like I am: in line at the grocery store, sitting in the car at school pick-up, late at night while they’re overwhelmed about the state of their own house. These aren’t moms who have the extra mental and physical bandwidth to take care of another person.

But they’re moms. Which means they will find that extra bandwidth.

As one anonymous mom shared with me, “Even those with nothing, give.”

This year has been a lot. The past decade has been a lot, and for moms, we are the ones shouldering so much of the work. Every day, you hear about a mom spending her own money making lunches for kids who are hungry at school, about moms standing up to ICE in their communities. We tell our kids to look for another mom if they get lost, we assume any parent volunteer at school is a mom, we tell not-so-funny jokes about how moms are the real magic makers of Christmas and that’s why we’re so exhausted this time of year.

Mr. Rogers said to look for the helpers. And in Facebook mom groups, the women do.

It turns out, the helpers are just always moms.