My Best Friend’s Husband Is Such A Loser

I have a very open and honest relationship with my best friend. It’s always been that way; we have a lot in common and share the same goals. We like the same food, have the same business goals, and can talk for hours about both things that inspire us and future plans we have.

She’s always lifted me up and been there for me and says that I do the same for her. We align in many areas, but there’s one thing I just can’t say to her and it’s eating me alive: Her husband is such a loser.

I know that sounds so awful, but I just don’t know how else to say it. I’m not just saying that he’s lazy, unmotivated, and never takes her out or wants to travel with her, but yes to all of that. I hate how he makes her feel like she’s asking for too much out of a partner. I hate how he tells her that he’ll do something with her or for her then he doesn’t. I hate how he’s not open to pretty much all of the things that she wants to try, and especially lately, has made her feel like she doesn't even have a partner.

If none of this was bothering her, I know that I’d still have my opinion about it of course, but she shares all of it with me. Like all of it. So it’s impossible to ignore and not get sucked in even though I’ve tried my best.

And as things between them have gotten worse, I've been having a harder time handling it right. I want to be there for her, but we’ve clocked a ton of hours talking about it. I know we all need to vent, but it’s to the point now where I don’t like him, which isn’t a good place to be. I want to like him. And I don’t want her to know how I feel about him now.

I can’t forget all the things she’s told me, and I’m having a really hard time being as understanding as I was in the beginning because she’s not doing anything about it. Our entire relationship has been hijacked by talking about her partner. If I had anything to say about him or the situation (I always tried to be kind and diplomatic, but I’m human), she gets upset. She wants to unload all her feelings, but I’m not supposed to have an opinion. I know it’s such a sensitive topic and I don’t want to kick her while she’s down.

So, I had to tell her that I needed to take some space from our relationship and that I wanted to be there as her friend, but I’d reached my limit and it didn’t seem like I was offering her any help anyway.

It was a tough talk to have, and I did feel bad, but what’s a true friendship without honesty? And was I being a true friend by sitting there with my building resentment?

I’d want her to be honest with me if I was doing the same thing. And my hope is that without using me as a crutch, she’ll be able to make some kind of change, whether it’s going to marriage counseling, or talking to him.

I really did it out of love, and told her that I’m not going anywhere, but I can’t clock so many hours talking about the same thing over and over. I had my eyes squeezed shut when I called and told her. My heart was pounding and I was nervous. But I had to because I could feel myself getting snippy and short with her and avoiding her calls. “I want to help,” I said, “but constantly talking about this isn’t good for either of us.” I was relieved when she said, “That’s really tough to hear, and kind of embarrassing, but I’m glad you told me.”

Of course I want what’s right for my best friend whether that means staying with him or ending the relationship, and I’ll be there through it all. But this was a reminder to me that we can’t invest too much in our friend’s problems if we want to save the friendship. And this was definitely one of those times.